In the country of Lebanon, 23 years ago to this day, the world changed for the better. On February 24, 1982, Nora and Jerry gave birth to a son named “Skaff”. When the doctor told them they needed to give this child a first name, they decided to call the child “Tim”
On February 25, 1982, young Tim had his first shot of Jack Daniels. This gave way to his first craving for a cigarette. Many believe that for this fact, it wasn’t until February 25 that Skaff was actually born.
Over the past 23 years, Skaff has lead a life envied by many. He has been to the farthest reaches of the state of Minnesota, and he has smoked enough cigarettes to make a carbon monoxide detector die of unspecified causes.
At the age of five, Skaff’s voice changed. This may seem early for most people, but not for Skaff. He embraced his deep voice wholeheartedly, and used it to his advantage. In 1989, he tried out for the group Boyz II Men. He seemed to be a natural for the role of “guy with a really deep voice who doesn’t sing, but actually just talks in the song ‘On Bended Knee’,” but as fate would have it, Skaff finished second to the guy who currently holds that role within Boyz II Men; many believe that Skaff was slighted. To this day, the “Skaff voice” is often imitated, rarely matched, and never outdone. The Skaff voice is as American as apple pie.
During his senior year in High School, when asked to submit a list of hobbies next to his senior picture in the White Bear Lake Matoskan yearbook, Skaff had an easy choice for a listing next to his name; “smokin and drinkin.” When administration deemed these words inappropriate, Skaff responded “you mean the smokin or the drinkin?” Skaff compromised and was forever emblazoned in the 2000 Matoskan for having the hobbies of “huntin and fishin”. However, after the yearbook was published, Skaff took every copy he could find, turned to page 546 and crossed out the words “huntin and fishin” and wrote in “drinkin and smokin” with his trusty sharpie.
In the year 2004, Skaff moved to Roseville, MN and has flourished in his new environment. He purchased a “Keggerator” much to his own benefits. The Keggerator and the Skaff were a natural fit. To this day, they still get along famously, and can rarely be seen apart. (However, rumor has it that a few weeks ago, Skaff was heard muttering the words “If only I had a cigarettarator, I’d never leave the house.”)
So, on this day, the 24th of February in the year 2005, I offer these words: Happy Birthday Skaff.
May you ward off lung cancer for another 23 years
May you have fun tonight and drink 23 beers
May you find a love as deep as your voice
May you snore and make a wheezing noise