Archives for December 2005

I believe

I believe that every individual is the center of the universe, only some universes are more relevant than others.

I believe that women should throw themselves at me for accomplishing the most trivial of tasks. In this scenario, making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich would lead to an extensive making out and heavy petting session.

I believe that the song “happy birthday” has the deepest lyrics of any song dealing with birthdays.

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Revenge at the Trough

You may recall my previous story “Stage Fright at the Trough“. In this story, I detailed my difficulties performing “#1” into a gigantic trough at a Minnesota Vikings game. You surely found it hilarious, because my writing is just that: hilarious!

Self-Promotion aside, the reason for my writing today is to tell you about my experiences at another trough, which yielded a much more positive outcome. Yes, I am going to detail my experiences at a Minnesota Timberwolves game where I gained my revenge at the trough.

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Serious Response to Obvious SPAM Email

Subject: You want to measure your penis but it is afraid of the ruler.
From: bear_71
To: theman@jeffsauer.com

Are you tired of staring at Playboy trying to cause erection?

Trust us; it’s s0 much easier and faster with our Viagra Soft Tabs. With our new Viagra Soft Tabs you will be able to open a bottle of beer with your penis. She thinks you are perfect and a wonderful choice for her.

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Stage Fright at the Trough

I recently had the opportunity to attend a Minnesota Vikings game at the Metrodome. Such a lovely venue for sporting events (obviously sarcasm, since the Metrodome is the worst stadium in the country). The Metrodome is a testament to the era in which it was built. The architecturally atrocious 70’s. A decade sandwiched between the shitty sixties and the eyesore eighties.

That’s right, three straight decades of ugly buildings, and the Metrodome may very well be the centerpiece. The building is made out of more concrete than a city block in East Compton. Sitting in the seats is slightly less roomy and comfortable than being sandwiched between John Madden and Jared from Subway (fat Jared, before he went on the subway diet) on a chair made out of concrete; it’s not a very comfortable experience.

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Reindeer Run

On Saturday, December 3, 2005, I am participating in my first ever race. While it’s not a very competetive race, and it’s not a long distance, I’m excited to be doing something constructive. It is called the Reindeer Run, and is a 5k. To those of you who are metric system holdouts, that’s somewhere in the 3 mile neighborhood… which nothing but a brisk jog for an iron machine like myself.

My good friend Jen invited me to join her team of runners for the race. Our team consists of her friends from nursing school who share a mutual appreciation for running. Best yet, my buddy Bill decided to join the team as well, so I’m assured of a wingman.

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