I believe

I believe that every individual is the center of the universe, only some universes are more relevant than others.

I believe that women should throw themselves at me for accomplishing the most trivial of tasks. In this scenario, making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich would lead to an extensive making out and heavy petting session.

I believe that the song “happy birthday” has the deepest lyrics of any song dealing with birthdays.

I believe that instead of sending out books and books of coupons, manufacturers should publish one single “end all” discount card that accomplishes the same task as clipping hundreds of coupons.

I believe that if you spend 6 hours at work doing absolutely nothing, yet at the end of the day your boss makes you stay late, they should earn a strike. After they earn three strikes, you earn the right to punch them as hard as you can without repercussion. I call it my Three Strikes and I strike you in the face policy.

I believe that Dave Coulier should have won an Emmy award for best supporting actor in a comedy series for his work as Joey Gladstone in Full House.

I believe that women should be given extra sympathy while they are on their menstrual cycles.

I believe that last sentence will increase my chances of getting laid.

I believe that if Wham! wouldn’t have broken up, George Michael would be straight right now.

I believe that if a company takes longer than 3 weeks to process my mail in rebate, I should be allowed to call the home of the CEO of the company and tell their kids that Santa Claus isn’t real.

I believe that within 20 years, it will no longer be cool for white suburbanite teenagers to imitate African Americans. Instead, it will be cool to emulate the styles of Hasidic Jews. Instead of calling “wanna be” kids wiggers, they will be now be called webrews

I believe that successful pet actors have too much trouble adjusting to life as a normal pet. Sure the Taco Bell dog made a great living saying Yo quiero Taco Bell… BUT AT WHAT PRICE?

I believe that Scandinavia should just end the charade and become a single country.

I believe that murder mystery movies on DVD should include a feature for my mom called guess the killer. This will allow her to pause at any point in the movie and guess who the killer is. This way, when she says “I knew they were the killer all along,” we can look back at her answer and see whether or not she was lying.

I believe that if it is acceptable for all kinds of British actors receive honorary knighthood, the United States should follow suit and give Dr. Dre an honorary doctorate.

I believe that it’s unfair that white people are allowed to name individual countries of origin, and black people are lumped into the
Meta term “African American”.

I believe that the Emmy Awards lost complete respectability when a documentary I helped create was nominated for a regional Emmy award. That would be like nominating Pee Wee Herman for a Nobel Peace Price just months after he was busted for public masturbation.

I believe that if Marshall Mathers could go back in time and do it all over again, he would have given himself a name slightly less unintimidating as Eminem.

I believe that elementary school teachers should be held responsible for teaching children basic life skills relevant to their current grade. For example, my third grade teacher should be required to come to my house and teach me how to tie my shoes properly.

I believe that congress will eventually pass a resolution saying that the 1980’s never happened. As a result, everyone will be granted those 10 years of their life back.

I believe that had the movie Demolition Man been made in the year 2005, all restaurants would be Chipotle instead of Taco Bell.

I believe that Zack Morris is a blonde Tom Cruise.

I believe that future DVD movies and players should come with an “I am a moron” button that people can press if they need to ask stupid questions during a movie.

About Jeff Sauer

I started blogging in the year 2000, and go in spurts of inspiration followed by long dormancy. I love writing, and your comments keep me going, so comment!

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