Florida Diary – Day 1

Hello loyal reader (I hesitate to pluralize that word to the point to the conceited level of assuming that I have more than one reader), this is your best friend Jeff checking in from the exotic location of Redington Shores Florida. Redington Shores is on El Golfo de Mexico (that’s the Gulf of Mexico in English. I learned that in my “fun with cognates” class in College.), and is in the general area of Tampa Bay

The Tampa Bay area is pretty interesting. While it’s quite unassuming, there are actually about 3 million people in the area from all walks of life. The one thing tying these people together is that THEY ARE ALL OLD. Seriously, I am the only person here under the ripe old age of 40 (well, that’s not entirely true. I updated my MySpace profile to say I hail from the Gulf Coast in Florida, did a search for hot chicks in the area, messaged them, and already struck out electronically).

Where was I? Oh yeah, I was describing my location. Basically, I’m on a 30 mile long peninsula sticking out into el Golfo de Mexico. Honestly, that’s one big Peninsula!!! You wonder why el Golfo de Mexico always has hurricanes? I’ll tell you the reason: peninsula envy!

Ok, on with the diary. I arrived in at Tampa Bay airport on Thursday (I am writing this on Sunday). I arrived at about 5 PM. I scheduled my flight so that I would arrive in Tampa at the same time as my Aunt Connie. Unfortunately, her flight wasn’t coming in until 7 PM, so I had two hours to kill. I did my best to kill the time while listening to my Ipod Nano (yes, I sold out and bought a fucking Ipod. Now I’m a yuppie homo like everyone else, AND I basically put money in the pocket of that ASSFUCKER Bono. When I think about it, the ~$250 I spent on my Nano probably paid for even more U2 Ipod commercials. The next time you hear U2 singing Vertigo on an Ipod commercial, listen to seconds 10.111 to 10.379 – I indirectly paid for .268 seconds of trash.

I must say, though, that the Nano was picking out gems for me that night. I must sing the praises of a piece of computer equipment that serves up songs with such effortlessness. For example, there was one point in the 2 hour waiting period where my ‘pod played Coheed into Thursday into Atmosphere back into Coheed and then had a grand finale of two Mars Volta songs. Yes, only that type of Ipod shuffling could lead me to have fully erect nipples in the middle of the Tampa Bay Airport.

The two hour wait wasn’t really that bad for two major reasons: 1) there were a lot of hot chicks on my flight, and I was checking many of them out at the baggage claim, and 2) the airport had free WiFi.

Getting back to point 1 – seriously, the chicks were hot. I had the pleasure of being joined by the following female types on my flight: The first was girl who was really tall and seemed quite nice sitting in front of me. I didn’t get a chance to see her face at any point in my flight because her back was to me, but I could just tell she was hot. First of all, even from the back and side view, I could tell she took care of herself. Second of all, there was a baby in the row in front of her on the plane, and that baby kept on turning around to look at her. Either the baby only had a vision range of 2 feet and could only focus on her, or she was hot. My vote is for the latter. After we got off the plane, I knew that my assumptions were true; she was hot. I first caught a glimpse of her on the tram to be baggage claim, and I knew it was “on”. She and I had brief session of optical intercourse, and we totally hit it off in a non-verbal way. Then it came time for me to swarm in, and I ran away. I love playing hard to get with girls in public places where it’s easy to get away, and I will never see them again. I take great comfort in thinking that if that girl happened to be single, and looking to hook up with a dude… at the airport… that there is at least a 5% chance that the dude would be me.

I am a pussy.

Next up was “girl that I’m not sure if she is underage or has a boyfriend… maybe both”. She and I had a little thing going on during the airplane ride (or at least I would like to think that she was looking at me). Unfortunately, Annie underage (that’s what I’ll call her) may have thought that I was a pervert, because our eyes seemed to cross at inopportune times. Does that ever happen to you while checking out a member of the opposite sex? (or same sex for Bill, Schleder, Langhoff, and my other friends who are gay). It sucks! Here I am thinking I’m a pimp, looking at chicks left and right, with no repercussions. Then I look at Annie Underage, and she catches me every time. It’s not even like I’m looking very often, she just happens to catch me every time. She’s like the Dominic Hasek of hot chicks (very low goals against average, high save percentage?). That’s a shitty analogy.

And then there is the free high speed Internet Access – that’s freaking sweet! I was in Philadelphia last October and their airport charged $20 for usage of Wireless Internet at the airport. Are you kidding me? That’s ridiculous! $20 for one day? I could get a lap dance for that much. Well, it’s free at Tampa Bay Airport.

In spite of that fact that the ‘net was free, I was actually disappointed in the quality of the Internet connection. Now, I’m not one to look a gift horse in its grill, but this Internet connection was slower and less reliable than the 14.4 modem I first learned to download porn on. I was able to check and respond to some emails, but I was pretty disappointed overall.

So Aunt Connie arrives and we head back to the homestead. Franny (my mom) informs me that we are eating Low carb spaghetti and Garlic Cheese Bread for dinner. Nothing says lack of carbohydrates like garlic cheese bread. In spite of the ironic twist put on the meal, it was pretty damn good. I ate like a low carb king.

The rest of the night was spent trying to get myself settled, which didn’t take long. I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to connect to the Internet, throughout my trip, but I was able to leech off someone’s wireless Internet connection, which pretty much made my life much happier and easier.

The last thing I did that night was take a hot tub with my dad. The complex we are staying in has a sweet pool and hot tub area that isn’t used much at night. We took advantage and talked some business over the bubbly jets.

That’s all for day 1. Day 2 to follow.

Related posts:

1. Tokyo Diary – Part I