Brief Nudity

Brief Nudity (BN). Noun.

Definition:

  • The story of my young adulthood; two words responsible for hours of absent-minded movie watching.
  • The sun shining through the clouds on an otherwise cloudy TV day.
  • Often the only redeeming quality of a low-budget “B movie”.
  • The real reason why people subscribe to HBO.

The glimmer of hope associated with a BN rating is enough to keep me watching a movie solely based on the promise of Nudity. Will it be boobs? Who’s boobs? Or is it a butt? Maybe a couple of butts? I’m not sure, but I better watch to find out!

The BN rating (or even it’s more adult oriented cousin Nudity (N) rating) is sort of like a money-back guarantee. You are promised to see someone naked. It’s clearly written for all to see. Someone will be getting naked, and it is most likely worth watching.

Really, nothing bad can come of a movie that has an N rating placed on it. Well, that’s not entirely true. I can think of one thing that makes a complete mockery of the Nudity designation: Penis.

Yes, penis; the soberingly flaccid reminder that nudity is a two-way street.

I want my money back.

Although it probably seems my phallic concerns are far-fetched, recent events have brought my distaste to the forefront.

Namely, two HBO shows in the past two weeks have revealed more caulk than the Home Depot.

It all started with my favorite show that I love to hate: Entourage. I say that I love to hate the show for several reasons, but the most prominent is that I think the show rarely fully utilizes its potential. It’s far too often that the show cuts a plotline short (without fully developing closure) or alludes to a concept that never really happens. With that said, I watch the show religiously, and look forward to it more than any TV show since the final days of Seinfeld.

One of my major complaints about Entourage is that they never capitalize on the veritable cornucopia of nubile Hollywood debutantes willing to act sans apparel. Yes, I wish there were more Nudity on the show!

Entourage really has no reason not to show the big N; the show is on HBO, so there’s no censorship. The show follows around a bunch of guys in their early 20’s hitting up Hollywood. The big N is probably an hourly reminder of their good fortune and surroundings. Why not appease me by showing breasts?

I thought my prayers were answered two weeks ago when the opening screen of Entourage revealed the coveted BN. Wonderful! What better way to kick off the week than with a pair of 20 year old Hollywood boobs?

Don’t answer that question. Rather, answer yourself this question: What is the WORST way to kick off the new week? Answer? PENIS.

That’s right, the BN featured on Entourage wasn’t breasts at all, but rather Penis.

The worst part is, they didn’t even throw in some breasts to cancel out the peepee on the TV. Even basic algebra and childhood games of doctor adhere to the well known principles of “canceling out” and “you show me yours and I’ll show you mine”, respectively. Why couldn’t this be the case?

I’m not even going to get into the other gaudy display of dongs thrown out on another HBO show. The bottom line here is that HBO should never hide flaccid penises under the rudimentary N or BN system. Instead, they should revamp their rankings to warn unsuspecting viewers of what they are about to see.

For example, if I were in charge of HBO, I would have the following warning at the beginning of any movie showing a penis. It would be in bright letters, with an alarm sounding in the background. It would say: “WARNING: COCK”. That’s it. A simple warning that the viewer is about to see some flaccid phallus. At the very least, I would give these movies and shows a C rating to warn us of the impending dry-heaving session about to take place.

Please, HBO, I BEG this of you.

About Jeff Sauer

I started blogging in the year 2000, and go in spurts of inspiration followed by long dormancy. I love writing, and your comments keep me going, so comment!

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Comments

  1. Guy with the name that starts with an "N" says:

    I have successfully avoided all viewings of the peepee in all HBO and other cable networks. You may be asking yourself, “Guy with the name that starts with an ‘N’, what is your secret?”

    It is actually quite simple… DON’T WATCH REALLY LAME TV SHOWS WITH PLAYED OUT PLOTLINES AND MEDIOCRE ACTING.

    All-in-all, I do agree that HBO should also have the previously mentioned disclaimer so that the individuals who don’t mind poor television programming shouldn’t be tortured.