I suck at growing facial hair

My facial hair at 5 daysI guess it’s something that’s out of my control, but I just thought I’d let you all know that I pretty much can’t grow facial hair. Well, I guess that’s not fully true. I can grow hair on my face, but it’s not very visible. I’m writing this post right now because I am at the peak of my most unshaven point in my adult life. Yes, I haven’t shaven for 5 days.

This is the longest that I have gone without shaving since I’ve been an adult, although I’m sure that you probably wouldn’t notice, even after looking at the picture on the right hand side of your screen. This picture was taken today, right before I started writing this post, and it is the inspiration for my rant. The last time that I shaved was on Saturday. Today is Wednesday, and this is all the facial hair growth that I could muster. That’s 5 days of unadulterated growth, and I still look like a man envious of a 13 year old Mexican boy!

Simply put, I can’t grow facial hair.

How could it be that my best chance at having noticeable facial hair is to be the recipient of a Dirty Sanchez? Is it genetics? I’m not even sure. My dad doesn’t seem to have any problems growing facial hair, so I doubt I got that trait from him. Plus, two of his brothers sport kickass mustaches, so I doubt my facial hair stage fright comes from them.

On my mom’s side, I’m pretty sure that two of my uncles can grow facial hair at will. My other uncle, Dick, can grow a wonderful mustache, but it’s just blonde and not very noticeable. Perhaps I get my light hair coloring from him? But in addition to a lack of coloring, I also have a lot of patchy spots that are not completely filled in. Why is that?

Chris Bradley's Facial HairThe only person I know who has an equally difficult time growing facial hair is my friend Chris Bradley, but his problems are a little different than mine; his facial hair is dark, but it grows very slowly (he said he only needs to shave once every week or two). It’s also very patchy, making him incapable of growing a beard.

Perhaps we each have trouble with facial hair because of our ethnicities, but I’m not sure that’s the case. While I’m over half German (with some French, Irish, and Belgian mixed in), Chris only shares one common branch of heritage, German. Chris’s genetic pie is divided as follows: Exactly 1/3 German, 1/3 Italian and 1/3 English (for those of you who think this is impossible, and illogical, you’re right; it’s nearly impossible to attain that exact mix… but don’t tell Chris that, it would break his heart). So, the only thing Chris Bradley and I have in common (other than pure awesomeness and a lack of facial hair) is our German heritage. Even then, we’re not the same percentage, so I don’t think that has much to do with our lack of facial thicket. Also, my dad, who we’ve established as a fully beard-capable man, is 100% German. Back to the drawing board.
So what is it that makes me not grow facial hair? I thought perhaps it was age at first, but now that I’m 25, I doubt that I’ll start growing facial hair with a newfound propensity. So what else could it be? I am at a loss.

One thing that I do know, though, is that I am considering growing out my “beard” as much as possible, just for experimental purposes. Since I work from home, I don’t always have to interact with people. When I don’t have to interact, I sometimes neglect to shave (what’s the point if I’m not leaving the house?). When I don’t have appointments for several days, I end up with a patch of unattractive facial hair, much like how I look today. Now I’m curious to see what happens when I don’t shave for more than a week? Will it fill in? Will I look ridiculous?

If I do grow out my beard, I’ll be in Scotland while it is growing. I don’t have to meet face to face with a client for 3 weeks, so that affords me a lot of time for beard growth. Plus, it may help me fit in when I’m there. On the contrary, I think cleanshaveness may help my standing with the ladies. I mean, I know that the “scruff” look was cool a few years ago, but is it still popular? Doesn’t a girl want a baby face? Opinions are welcome!

About Jeff Sauer

I started blogging in the year 2000, and go in spurts of inspiration followed by long dormancy. I love writing, and your comments keep me going, so comment!

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  1. You have a great Baby face!
    Glad to see your having some fun – It is true………….those rumors…………….
    There is a whole world and life outside MPS???????????????
    Take care Jeff – miss giving you grief!!


  1. […] Obviously, since times have changed, I need to do something to disguise myself. First, since it’s nearly impossible for me to grow facial hair, I must purchase a mustache. Judging from the ratty ‘staches in the Microsoft photo, I’m guessing that just about anything will do. […]