2008 AFC Playoffs as a Chipotle Burrito

If you enjoyed the NFC portion of this preview, then you’ll love the AFC! This post includes references to bursting burritos, cutting meat, explosive diarrhea, tough ass steak, consistency in rice, and medium salsa.

If you enjoyed the NFC portion of this preview, then you’ll love the AFC! This post includes references to bursting burritos, cutting meat, explosive diarrhea, tough ass steak, consistency in rice, and medium salsa.

**TKOT note** We would like to thank “Sauer” for putting in the time and effort to preview the NFL Playoffs. The three of us are still a little hungover from New Years so having the NFL playoff piece written from a “stranger” was a great save for TKOT. Thanks man!

1) Bursting Burrito = New England Patriots 

Anyone who frequents Chipotle as much as I do should be well aware of a phenomenon that comes along once in every 100 or so burritos. I am talking about the infamous double-wrapper! For those of you who have not been exposed to this phenomenon, a double-wrapper is when you order a burrito that gets so stuffed with ingredients that there is no possible way that it can all fit into a single tortilla. The burrito is so stacked with greatness that when the Chipotle employee tries to make the burrito take form, the tortilla splits down the middle, spilling the contents all over the place. In order to deliver your burrito as promised, they are forced to wrap it with a second tortilla!

This reminds me of the 2007 Patriots, who are so stacked at nearly every position that their team is bursting at the seams. They are a team that only comes around every 100 years, and are clearly a class above the rest. Much like the 2007 season is a high point for Patriots fans; a double-wrapper burrito is the highest point in the life of a Chipotle connoisseur. Those who receive a double-wrapper burrito have bragging rights like none other, and often alienate their friends with their constant bragging… which is very similar to how badly everyone in America hates Patriots fans right now.

Everyone hates the guy who forces the Chipotle employees to make a double-wrapper, and most of this hate stems from jealousy. Yes, they are jealous of their good fortunes, and openly resent them for it. This is what is happening to the Patriots right now. Football fans outside of New England are just jealous because they wish that their favorite team could put together a double-wrapper squad.

* Please note that a double-wrapper should never be confused with a hood rat or skank, but if you are confused enough to get with a hood rat or skank, you better make sure that you double-wrap.

2) Tortilla –Indianapolis Colts 

Over the past several years, you couldn’t watch the AFC playoffs without seeing the Colts as a top 3 seed. It’s gotten to the point where the Colts are as synonymous with playoff football as a Tortilla is to a Chipotle burrito. The Tortilla is always there, it’s always solid, but rarely spectacular.

Let me let you in on a little secret, though. Chipotle actually tastes much better without the Tortilla (in the form of a Burrito Bol), and the playoffs would be much better without hearing Peyton Manning say “cut that meat” every 5 seconds. That dude is so over exposed that I actually view him as an actor first, a fantasy football player second, and an actual football player third. Earlier this season I saw him throw a 70 yard touch down pass and was like “wait, Peyton Manning can throw the ball 70 yards? He’s more than just an actor?” True story.

3) Tomatillo Red Chili Hot Salsa = San Diego Chargers 

On a peak day, both the Chargers offense and the hot salsa can be explosive! The Chargers are explosive because of their numerous weapons, while the hot sauce is explosive because of its game changing AP potential. No, I’m not talking about rookie sensation Purple Jesus (Adrian Peterson), but rather another form of AP that involves pissing out of ones ass. Much like the Chargers offensive potential, if you don’t watch out while eating Chipotle’s hot salsa, you could be in for a long day of watery bowel movements.

On the other hand, there are several days where I can eat the hot salsa without any rectal repercussions. These are similar to the days where San Diego looks mediocre on the field, and plays the role of underachievers. Throw in Norv “the Coach is KILLING ME” Turner, and the Chargers in the playoffs are quite volatile; much like your lower intestines after eating the hot salsa.

4) Steak – Pittsburgh Steelers 

There is nothing manlier than steak, and there is not a manlier city out there than Pittsburgh Steelers. Ben Roethlisberger eats steaks, drinks beers and rides motorcycles. Mike Tomlin is possibly a bigger hard ass than Bill Cowher. Playing in a town like Pittsburgh, a team has to be tough as nails, and Hines Ward and company definitely have that down.

The steak at Chipotle is also very tough; and I’m not sure that’s a good thing. When I’m eating a burrito, I want the ingredients to blend together into a flavor explosion. No single ingredient should dominate, and nothing should get in the way of burrito harmony. Unfortunately, the steak dominates a Chipotle burrito with its toughness, and makes the entire experience less than optimal. While it may be manly to eat steak, it takes an even bigger man to proclaim that there is no place for steak in a Chipotle burrito. Let the comment bashing commence.

Both the steak at Chipotle and this year’s Steelers have some fatal flaws that prevent them from really being a major threat. While both are tough and manly, their reputation alone isn’t going to get it done for me. I don’t see the Steelers going very far in this years playoffs.

5) Cilantro Lime Rice – Jacksonville Jaguars 

Jacksonville is like Cilantro Lime Rice because they are consistently decent, but never steal the show. The Rice always tastes consistently great, but you never find yourself ordering rice by itself or asking for extra Rice on your burrito. The Jags are sound fundamentally, well coached, and always a solid contributor, but much like their Rice counterpart, you never find yourself at Chipotle saying “hey, how about this Rice?” How many times this year have you said to yourself “Hey, how about the Jaguars?”

Shit, they are so far off the national media’s radar that Fred Taylor didn’t even get voted into the Pro Bowl! That’s a travesty! A career 10,000 yard rusher has the best season of his career, and he still has never gone to a Pro Bowl? That’s gotta be a pain in the groin for Fred… which hopefully doesn’t keep him out for the playoffs (sorry, I couldn’t resist the obligatory Fred Taylor crotch shot). The Rice is the catalyst for any good burrito, just like Jacksonville will act as a catalyst for a fine AFC playoffs.

6) Medium (Corn) Salsa – Tennessee Titans 

Wow, the titans really threw me off. I had the Browns penciled into this slot since week 15, and I thought they were a lock to either win their division, or at least make the playoffs. Fast forward to the Wild Card Round, and they are nowhere to be found. Instead, they were usurped by the Tennessee freaking Titans. I don’t even know what to say, and it took me way too much time to figure out which ingredient to compare them to. I finally decided on the Corn Salsa, which is pretty much by default.

Here’s my case: the corn salsa pretty much sucks. I don’t like it, I don’t care for it, and I rarely order it. As far as I know, watching the titans sucks as well! Basically, it’s a defensive masterpiece (or offensive atrocity), with tons of turnovers, and ultimately Vince Young pulling a game winning drive out of his ass. I haven’t seen them play this year, so the above sentences are all speculation, but I HAVE watched them on my Yahoo! Fantasy Sport stat tracker, and I believe my synopsis to be correct.

Anyway, I do give them credit for a few things, like Vince Young breaking the madden curse, LenDale White getting so fat that he looks like he got “stung by bees”, and Albert Haynesworth going from the “guy who stomped on that other dudes head” to being their defensive MVP. Plus, each year that they make the playoffs, we are rewarded with two more years of Jeff Fischer’s mustache! Sweet stache’ bro.

Honorable Mention

Sour Cream and Cheese = Cleveland Browns 

This season, the Cleveland Browns were like the Sour Cream and Cheese at Chipotle because they were everyone’s favorite! Nobody goes through a Chipotle line without getting excited for Sour Cream and/or Cheese, much like nobody scanned the box scores this fall and didn’t get excited for the Browns high scoring offense! Somehow, the stars aligned, and all of the offensive talent the Browns had been stockpiling put it all together and had a very surprising season of success. I am deeply saddened that these guys didn’t make the playoffs, so I hope mentioning them here serves as some sort of consolation.

Playoff Picks

First Round

BUCCANEERS over Giants

SEAHAWKS over Redskins

Titans over CHARGERS

Jaguars over STEELERS

Second Round

COWBOYS over Buccaneers

PACKERS over Seahawks

COLTS over Jaguars

PATRIOTS over Titans

NFC Champions – Chicken (GB)

AFC Champions – Bursting Burrito (NE)

Super Bowl Champions – Bursting Burrito (NE)

Out,
Sauer

About Jeff Sauer

I started blogging in the year 2000, and go in spurts of inspiration followed by long dormancy. I love writing, and your comments keep me going, so comment!

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