My New (old) Girlfriend

With great pride and joy, I would like to formally announce the newest notch on Jeff Sauer’s bedpost.

Last night I was out to dinner with my parents at Cody’s Roadhouse in the Tyrone mall near St. Petersburg, Florida. Wednesday night is 2 for 1 fajitas night, and we were on a mission to eat fajitas at a heavily discounted price! Apparently, so was the rest of Florida, because when we arrived at the joint (in its classy strip mall location), we were greeted by a 1 hour, 10 minute estimated wait time. Sifting through a sea of geriatrics, white trash with wispy stouches (my word for mustaches… it’s fun to say, and implies the person has a stache and is a douche, hence stouche), and all other kinds of depressing circus freaks, we had to decide whether or not it was worth waiting over an hour to get discounted fajitas. We ultimately decided yes and chose to wait it out in the bar area, and I am glad that we did.

That’s when I saw her. The prettiest darned thing I had ever seen in my life. The yin to my yang, the love of my life. I am now a believer in love at first sight. Every cliché about love and romance that I have ever read culminated in this one precious moment. Magically, the 70’s rock ballad “Dream Weaver” started playing in the background, and I glanced across the bar and saw my one and only. Amazingly, my parents were kind enough to document this moment with a photograph.

Me and my girl

That’s not really what happened. As excited as it would make me to announce to you, blog readership, that I met and fell in love with this prune, I can’t tell that to you in good faith. But there is a story behind this blog post, oh yes, there is a story.

And that story may be even better than the prospects of locking lips with the Florida Raisin above.

The first part of this story was true. We went to Cody’s to get fajitas. Wednesday is the night to get 2 for 1’s on Fajitas, and like I said above, the people who come out for free Fajitas are really among the lower rung of society. If America had a caste system, these would be the untouchables. This place was extremely depressing, and the prospect of waiting for over an hour among the walking dead made me feel insecure.

When I am feeling uneasy in a public place, I tend to try and latch on to something familiar in order to break the ice and ease the tension. Being technologically savvy, I thought of the perfect opportunity to gain acceptance, and I immediately sent a text message to four of my best buds. That message read:

“I am at the Florida equivalent of Boji Godfathers.”

Of all of the inside jokes I share with my friends, Boji Godfathers may be the most universally accepted and most applicable to common life situations. It stems from Chris Bradley’s bachelor party in June of 2006 where we spent a weekend at Lake Okoboji in Iowa. During that time, we went for lunch at the local Godfathers pizza, and became immediately depressed. This place contained some of the ugliest, fattest people I have ever seen, and it wasn’t just one or two. Yes, the entire population at that Godfathers was overweight at a minimum of 2x their charted weight level

(Disclaimer: I know it is rude to call people fat, especially since I am a recovering fatty, but in this case, I feel it is justified. There’s a difference between overweight and giving up on life, and these people were the latter). There’s not many things more depressing than watching a flotilla of fatties waiting in lines 15 people deep to devour pizza from a moderately priced buffet line. It took all that we had to escape that place with a sense of fullness, and even more to leave with a shroud of dignity. If Richard Simmons walked into the Boji Godfathers tomorrow, he would have intervention material for the rest of his life. And he’d cry a lot.

Needless to say, the Godfathers near Lake Okoboji was gross, and is now our internal benchmark for gross venues across the US of A! Enter Cody’s Roadhouse, a depressing diamond in the Florida rough.

Back to the main story. I got almost immediate feedback from 3 of the 4 friends I text’d, and their responses resulted in various levels of hilarity. The first was from Baltz, who asked me “Keep an eye out for the florida pooch equivalent. ” Another inside joke from Boji. Pooch was the stripper that spent 4 hours on my lap in a topless joint called “boji nights”. She was nicknamed Pooch because she had an awesome body, with the exception of a little somethin somethin in her midriff area. After receiving the text from Baltz, I sent one to the group saying “Poooooooooooooooch”. Hilarity ensued.

Next was Shields, who is the master of all that is text messaging. He asked me a few questions about my venue, and then came up with a great idea: take a picture of the place! Never being one to disappoint, I took a few pictures of the area, but none of them really turned out very well.

Last, Chris Bradley (recent father, and great guy) sent me the funniest response (in a delivery style only he can pull off) by saying “Boji nites! Enjoy urself some poooch rolls”.

I responded “Pooch by the dozen… I got me pooch like ubu from 80’s television. Sit ubu sit.” (I was a little buzzed up when I wrote that).

He wrote back “Jelly roll pooch.”

I have the best friends ever.

IMG_0134.jpgBack to the story, we were about half way to Fajita time when I started to worry that I wouldn’t be able to get a pic for Shields. So I started to peruse the landscape of Cody’s to see if I could get a quality picture. That’s when I saw her. She was an older lady who wore her years, beers and cigarettes on her weathered face. She had just gotten back from a smoke break, as I could tell from the “Gone to Smoke” ticket that was left in her empty drink. I didn’t think much of her at first, but then a magic, Boji-esque moment happened; she spilled her entire drink all over the bar and onto herself! It was 6:15 PM. I knew at that point that I had a winner (and perhaps a new love interest).

My girlI handed my iPhone to my dad and asked him to take a picture of me near her (so that I could document the experience on the JS Experience). Since she was already cut off from the bar, we figured that she wouldn’t notice that she was being photographed. We were correct, as she was completely oblivious to the situation. Time passed and my dad managed to get a pretty good quality photo. That wasn’t enough for him, though, and he decided to take things to the next level. This is why I love hanging out with my parents in FL, because they are completely able to throw caution to the wind and live like they are in college again.

Rather than settling for a picture of me in close proximity to my geriatric love jaguar, my dad decided to cross the line and have me take a photo with this lady as a knowing participant. Boy am I glad he did!

True LoveDad tapped the lady on the shoulder and said “excuse me, my son would like to take a photo with you, do you mind”.

“Of course, come over sweet thing,” she said.

I reluctantly walked over to her and prepared for an amazingly awkward photo op. She caressed me like we were on our honeymoon, and then she did something I didn’t see coming from a mile away.

She grabbed my ass!

Flattered, yet speechless, I tried to walk away gracefully from the situation. As I walked away from her, I seriously heard her say “that’s my payment for this photo.”

I feel sooo used!

This concludes my story about how I found true love in Florida. I hope you enjoy, and if you ever want to experience fun like this, let me know and we can hang out!

About Jeff Sauer

I started blogging in the year 2000, and go in spurts of inspiration followed by long dormancy. I love writing, and your comments keep me going, so comment!

Check out my Google Profile.

Comments

  1. You definitely still have it Sauer…good story! She’s hot! 🙂

  2. “that’s my payment for this photo”

    LOL – This by FAR is my favorite story. Keep up the good work buddy! Way to snag a total cougar!

  3. Hilarious!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ah, I bet you loved that butt-grab. ha ha!!!

  4. Hehehe – NICE! I choose the Kuwaiti desert over a “geriatric ass grabber.” Although – you did probably have the help of some alcohol during the traumatic experience.

  5. I heard the Green Iguana is a great place to start off a “lucky” first date if you’re destination brainstorming for this lovely new lady…

  6. OK, so I’m researching my cross-country strip club agenda. I googled “boji nights” to figure out if I should stop at this little club. Sounds like I’d be the hottest one there….my question is (if you don’t mind either emailing me back or commenting on my blog) …are there enough patrons in the club to keep dancing all night? Is the place busy in the summertime, or will I be sitting around waiting for patrons to walk in through the door?

  7. Hi! I was surfing and found your blog post… nice! I love your blog. 🙂 Cheers! Sandra. R.