25 Random Things about Me

1. I think I could be a stand up comedian, but my jokes would be filthy. Sort of like Bob Saget in the Aristocrats. You wouldn’t see it coming (unless you’ve been to bachelor parties with me). Speaking of Bachelor Parties, I once had a flex off at 4 AM with my buddy Kev. Neither of us were worthy of a victory, so it will go down in history as a tie.

Most Underrated Movie Ever?

Most Underrated Movie Ever?

2. It is quite possible that I am the biggest fan of the movie Cable Guy in the world. I genuinely think that it’s a hilarious movie. Plus the fact that it bombed in the box office and a lot of people didn’t like it just adds fuel to the fire. America just wasn’t ready for Cable Guy!

3. I have gone to several countries without a plan. Each time I was able to get around via public transportation and order food by pointing at menus. Now that I think about it, I guess I did have a plan for where I’m staying, so saying I have no plan was a lie.

4. If 2007 was my year of Europe, 2008 was my year of North America. During this year I was in the following states/provinces: Minnesota, Wisconsin, Illinois, Michigan, Arizona, Florida, New Jersey, California, North Carolina, Virginia, Pennsylvania, Alaska, Yukon Territory, British Columbia, Ontario.

Heroes of Might and Magic II

Heroes of Might and Magic II

5. In 1994/1995, I created a web site dedicated to a video game I loved called Heroes of Might and Magic II. I was able to create the site template in Netscape Navigator 2’s HTML editor and captured all of the images from the game itself. I uploaded them all to my dad’s company web server and then got people to visit my site through a web ring. I was getting visitors worldwide. I was a Hero without the might and magic. My brother would make fun of me for doing this. Now I have turned the Internet into my career. Who’s the dork now brother? What’s that? It’s still me?

6. When I was in college, this guy I know was allegedly involved with a server that hosted movies, music, applications, games, etc. that were all ‘free’ to those who visited the server. My friend at St. Thomas IT said this server sucked up 2/3 of the entire Internet bandwidth at UST before the RIAA sent a cease and desist. This guy was not me, I swear.

7. My brother and his wife have 3 adorable kids. Like model caliber children. I am training them to say stuff like “Uncle Jeff is awesome,” but I don’t see them often enough for it to stick. I am devising a plan that involves my voice coming through baby monitors and a getting a guest appearance on Dora the Explorer that will hypnopaedically implant this into their memory. They won’t even see it coming!

8. Continuing with the niece/nephew theme, I just love those kids to death. They are funny, cute and a little crazy too. They also have taken almost all of the pressure off of me to have kids until the twenty-teens. This affords me a lot of leeway in my life’s decisions. I am also working on giving them some money each birthday/Christmas so that they can travel abroad during college. International travel is something I think is very important, but is extremely expensive.

Hurricane Mike Ditka Sauer

Hurricane Mike Ditka Sauer

9. I went as Hurricane Mike Ditka for Halloween in 2008 and rocked that costume. I even bought a mustache that contained real human hair and had to use some kind of human friendly contact cement to apply it. The night I wore the costume to a beer drinking party and the costume was well received. I enjoyed the attention. The part I didn’t enjoy, though, was the beer in the mustache. I just don’t think it’s very sanitary.

10. I am addicted to buying things on Amazon.com. The moment I get a glass of wine or a beer in front of me, my imagination runs wild. I hop onto Amazon.com, search, read reviews, look for something with ‘prime’ shipping, and buy. I would say Amazon converts me about 68% of the time when I have a little booze in me. If they were smart, they would monitor my habits and send me messages only during this peak window. During my periodic brushes with sobriety, Amazon converts at a much more conservative 10%.

11. I have never killed a hooker or a hobo. Carnies, are another story… which I will not be telling here. 5th Ammendment beeeotch.

12. Speaking of beeotches, when I broke up with my college girlfriend, I was heartbroken and thought the world was over. With time, I realized that she was actually an alien and killed her on the spot. I then proceeded to lose 50 pounds, wear something other than Cargo pants and band t-shirts, and start my own business. Life has been better ever since that time. It turns out that heinous alien was the best thing to ever happen to me.

13. I drink a lot of coffee. I think it’s awesome and life altering. Without coffee, I pretty much live in a haze and am not productive. If I would have drank coffee in HS and college, I probably could have gone to Harvard.

14. I chose to go to St. Thomas for college because my dad clipped an article from the paper about their Computer Science department. I knew that I wanted to go into computers, and my original intention was to make video games. Then I learned that you had to spend 100 hour weeks writing code in order to break into the industry, and you don’t make any money until you’ve been around several years, and I decided to give up that dream.

15. One of my good friends from my neighborhood growing up, Scott, also went to UST with me and did Computer Science because he wanted to make video games. We ended up living together for 2 years in college, buying a house together after college, and he came and worked with me at my first job. Since then, I see him about once a year. Sad.

16. Since I moved into my house in Roseville in 2004, I have had the following people live there: Sauer, Skaff, Weber, Smith, Catlin, Palzer, Pinto, Skaff, Petrich, Nick James (unofficial), Koba, Langhoff. That’s 12 people in that house. We have also had 1 pet; Skaff’s Parrot named Rossi. I now have 0 roommates and love it!

I am the guy front row in the middle

I am the guy front row in the middle

17. My business partner and brother from another mother, Harlan ‘Hucky’ Austin, was one of the most influential people in my career. He took me from doing static web development into the world of search engines and online money making, and if it weren’t for him, I would not be leading the life I live today. Plus, he taught me how to BBQ kickass ribs! He also allowed me to tag along with him to a celebrity fashion show as a bodyguard. That was an awesome experience.

18. When I was in 7th grade, I worshipped my sister. She owned several CD’s with a ‘parental advisory: explicit lyrics’ label, about 100 ‘cross colors’ shirts, and a pair of red Girbaud jeans. I remember wearing them to school one day with my red Chicago Bulls pullover Starter Sweatshirt and thinking that I was the coolest person in the school. I wasn’t, but for that one shining moment, Jeff was the proud little brother of Kristi ‘Straight Mackin’ Sauer.

19. Speaking of my sister, she used to drive a bright red Mitsubishi Eclipse. The thing looked fast. It wasn’t. During my senior year of HS, my sister had finished college and was substitute teaching at my high school. She used to give me rides to school in the Eclipse. One day she was too sick to work (read: hungover) and I took the car so that I could get to school. She was not happy about that. Another time, I took her car (4 cylinder engine, rear wheel drive) onto north Lindstrom lake and got stuck. It took me about 60 minutes to finally get off of that lake. Some redneck dude with a truck helped me out and scolded me for being so stupid.

1960 Corvette - Jimbo's baby

1960 Corvette - Jimbo's baby

20. My dad has a 1960 Corvette that he’s had since he restored it in 1968. A red Corvette is the quintessential American Hot Rod and one could argue that this is the best year for Corvettes. Just an awesome car. I used to get jealous of my sister growing up because it was earmarked for her to be the car’s heir since birth. However, since I am retarded and can’t even drive the thing without stalling it, I am no longer concerned if I don’t get it. Also, by the time we pry that thing from my dad’s iron grip, I will be so rich I can just buy one myself. Or hire someone to sculpt one for me out of solid gold.

21. I have a huge extended family. Mom had 8 kids in her family and dad had 7. Let’s just say that my grandparents on both sides were getting busy. I have a lot of cousins too. They are all pretty awesome.

22. My 10 year HS reunion is this summer. I won’t be going, because I have already planned a trip to Chicago that weekend to watch the Twins play at Wrigley field.

23. I have a friend named Jeff Sauer who found me on jeffsauer.com while we were both in college. He’s from the Chicago area and we’ve talked on the phone. We almost met for a drink one time, but we both got cold feet and were worried that the world would implode.

24. I run a web site called FunnyVideoSearch.com where I post videos that are hilarious and it gets about 10 visitors a day. Most of those people come in through Google search. The top 5 keywords that drive traffic to my site are some derivation of “Gizz in my Pants.” When I look back on my life, I am hoping that this is my legacy. Jeff “Gizz in my pants” Sauer.

25. I registered jeffsauer.com a long time ago and have been posting pictures and stories online since around the year 2000. I called them ‘Random Thoughts.’ Then others started doing the same thing and calling it a “blog.” I like Random Thoughts better.

About Jeff Sauer

I started blogging in the year 2000, and go in spurts of inspiration followed by long dormancy. I love writing, and your comments keep me going, so comment!

Check out my Google Profile.

Comments

  1. If I weren’t laughing so hard at 23 & 24 I would about kick your ass for busting me out in #17