Who would play Sloth in a Goonies Remake?

On a long enough timeline, all conversations turn to the Goonies.

That’s why it’s no surprise that the topic of conversation naturally turned to the classic 80’s movie the Goonies and whether or not we should be expecting it to be remade in the future. I would consider it an inevitability at this point, since just about every movie from my childhood has already been remade for the worse.

But that’s not important. What is really important is who will play the character of Sloth when the movie is remade.

The character of Sloth was played by NFL Football star John Matuszak, who must have gone through countless hours of makeup to go from looking like a bearded heartthrob in the picture below to someone who was is not so pretty in the Goonies.

John Matuszak Sloth

So who will be Sloth 2.0?

It won’t be John Matuszak, because he passed away in 1989 (most likely due to complications from saving a group of misfit children from imminent death during a boulder storm).

It will likely be someone large, presumably an NFL player, ultimate fighter or body builder. Let’s run through our options.

The Rock

The Rock as the Hulk

Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson is an obvious choice for the role, since he is gigantic and is an actor.  But is he too mainstream to do this? Is he worried at all about going full retard killing his acting career?

Michael Strahan

Michael Strahan Costume

He seems to be everywhere since he quit football, constantly mugging for the camera. Plus, in a Goonies remake, they will likely be looking for a diverse cast, so we shouldn’t rule out an African American Sloth.

Jared Allen

Jared Allen Mullet

Matuszak was a defensive lineman, which seems to be the #1 position for producing actors out of football players. If they are looking to pluck an actor from the NFL trenches and turn him into an actor, Allen would be a natural choice.

Chyna

Chyna

If we can have a black Sloth, why can’t Sloth be a woman? I could see it happening. Literally the Other Sister on steroids.

Side Note: I couldn’t remember the name of the Other Sister so I googled “retarded female movie” and this movie was the top 2 results. Google is GENIUS!

Tim Tebow

Tim Tebow

Since football isn’t really working out for him, why not go into acting? Tim Tebow would make an excellent Sloth.

The Klitschko Brothers

Klitschko Brothers

Who are we to say that there can only be one Sloth in the sequel? The people have spoken, and they want SLOTH TWINS! I’m sure they are available.

Stone Cold Steve Austin

Stone Cold Steve Austin

I’m pretty sure that Stone Cold Steve Austin would arrive on set dressed like Sloth whether you hired him or not. This guy was born to play an oversized behemoth of a man who was dropped on his head a few too many times while growing up.

Kevin Durand

Kevin Durand

“that guy” from that one movie. You may not know the name, but you will one day know him as Sloth

Terry “Hulk” Hogan

Hulk Hogan Sloth

Hulk’s career could use a shot in the arm (usually he takes his steroid shots in his buttocks) and this role would be his swan song. Imagine Terry Bolea taking on this role, introducing him to a new generation of kids, having a career defining moment while the valkyries lead him to Valhalla.

Lou Ferrigno

Lou Ferrigno

Anyone who has heard Lou talk knows that he will barely have to try in order to fit the part. Just slap some makeup on him and Sloth 2.0 is born.

They Died too Soon

Then there are those who died too soon. I would have loved to see any of these guys as Sloth, but they passed before a sequel could be made:

Who are we missing?

Leave a comment with your choice for who would play Sloth in a Goonies remake!

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About Jeff Sauer

I started blogging in the year 2000, and go in spurts of inspiration followed by long dormancy. I love writing, and your comments keep me going, so comment!

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Comments

  1. You have put a lot of time into thinking about this!! Chyna is one scary looking woman….