*Update*

While the thoughts in this story remain true, the “happy ending” vibe is no longer.

*Original Story*

This story is dedicated to everyone who listened to me during the times where I had poor luck with girls. Thank you for telling me to “hang in there” and for those of you said “one day, it will just happen, and it will be wonderful”. Although your words seemed so far from reality at the time, I can now truly say that they came true. And it is indeed wonderful.

Note: This story is three months in the making, and long overdue.

It took me so long to write this story that some details may be a little fuzzy or even embellished, but the premise remains true; this is the story of how I met my girlfriend.

Saturday was St. Patty’s day. I celebrated my 1/8th Irish heritage with nearly a full bottle of Jameson whiskey. I started drinking at around 10 AM, and ended up getting a sick and passing out in the back seat of my car at around 4 PM. Let’s just say I overdid it a little!

Two days later, I was still in recovery mode, and alcohol was the last thing from my mind. So when I got a random call from my friend Katie Moen on a Monday morning. “Hey Sauer, what are you doing this Saturday”. I quickly responded “Anything that does not involve drinking.”

“How would you like to be on the other side of the bar for once?” she replied “we have an opening this weekend to be the Onion’s Non-Celebrity bartender, and I think you would be a good fit.”

I tried to play coy, acting as if I didn’t wasn’t very excited, but that quickly subsided when I responded “Let me think here… YES!” There was nothing that I wanted to do more than bartend for my friends. Even better, Katie told me the details of the promotion and said that my friends got to drink for free! I couldn’t sign up fast enough.

She told me that the only thing I needed to do in order to make my bartending gig official was to send her a photo of myself and list 3 reasons why I am “not so famous”. Not a problem at all; I can give you about 100 reasons why I’m not famous. The only difficulty I had was narrowing this thing down to a single photo and a list of three reasons. Given that this write-up was for the Onion, a paper containing the most consistently funny writers in the world, I felt obligated to attack my bartending gig with a little humor.

So, I sent Katie some of the stupidest photos that I have ever taken of myself, 6 in total. I told her to look through them and pick the one that she liked the most.

I also sent her a list of three reasons why I’m not famous. These included:

• * Being the worlds greatest Cable Guy apologist
• * Advanced computer programming and database knowledge
• * Unparalleled beer chugging skills

I’m definitely not famous for any of these things (although in a perfect world, my beer chugging skills *would* make me famous). I included a reference to the movie Cable Guy, because I absolutely love to talk about how underrated the film is. I also included a computer programming and database “shout out” in case any Onion reading entrepreneurs out there happened to be in need of someone who can program computers AND chug beers.

Katie showed my list and photos to her co workers, and they decided that I would be a perfect bartender. Her exact words were “Dude, we all agree that you are perfect for this venture. Now just start inviting anyone and everyone you know…cause you get a free bartab for you and your friends for your 2 hour jaunt.”

I couldn’t have agreed more wholeheartedly. Now that my bartending gig was becoming a reality, I had to think fast and figure out a plan of action. The first thing I did was decide on what to wear. I mentally ran through my movie knowledge, trying to decide on a “costume” for the evening. I soon came to the realization that there weren’t many options. I could have gone with the whole Coyote Ugly outfit that I wore for Halloween two years ago; but frankly, I wasn’t really feeling the spandex and tube top combo.

The only other movie that I could think of was the 1980’s Tom Cruise Cocktail. I only saw the movie once, and that was when I was like 8 years old, so I didn’t remember much about the movie. In fact, the only two things I took away from the film were 1) that there were boobies! And 2) the bar that Tom Cruise wanted to open was named “Cocktails and Dreams”.

Naturally, I did what every Internet Savvy person would do: I “Googled” the term “Cocktails and Dreams T Shirt”. No luck! All I came up with was a few MySpace profiles and perhaps an IMDB page for the movie Cocktail. Next, I did an image search to try and find the logo from the movie. I found an image and clicked on it. It actually took me to a t-shirt seller who had the shirt in stock!! Amazingly, after my search initially proved fruitless, I was able to find a back-door into a t-shirt web site, and somehow ordered it online! God I love the Internet!

So I ordered the shirt and chose ground shipping. It was a Tuesday, and I was praying that it would arrive by Saturday (plus, 2 day shipping was more expensive than the shirt, and I am incredibly frugal).

The next thing I did was write an email to all of my friends, asking them to come enjoy free beers with me behind the bar. Here is the email I sent:

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Dearest Friend,So my friend Katie hooked me up with the opportunity to “tend bar” this Saturday night from 9-11 as part of a promotion for the Onion. It should be pretty cool, and my friends get a $100 bar tab just for showing up.

• * Have you ever wanted to see me make a fool out of myself while attempting to bartend? (uncoordinated)
• * Do I still owe you that beer that I promised to “pay back the next time I see you”? (deadbeat)
• * Do you want to see me wearing a “Cocktails and Dreams” T-shirt that I ordered this morning off the Internet solely for this occasion? (awesome)
• * Are you as much as a Cable Guy (the Jim Carrey movie, not Larry the Cable Guy) fan as I am? (dedicated)

If you answered yes to any of these questions, then I encourage you to get your butt over to the Moose on Monroe and spend a few hours with me this Saturday evening.

Below is an excerpt from the Onion detailing the rest of the event. The picture of me drinking out of a Flamingo cup is classic! Email me with questions.

Jeff Sauer

“Non-Celebrity Bartender of the Week”

theman@jeffsauer.com

Saturday, March 24 at 9pm, 21+		The ONION: Jeff Sauer, Non-Celebrity Bartender of the Week
		Jeff is not so famous for: * Being the world’s greatest Cable Guy apologist * Advanced computer programming and database knowledge * Unparalleled beer chugging skillsCome see him in action from 9 to 11pm this Saturday night. All non-celeb bartenders enjoy two hours of crazy bartending fun, a $100 bar tab for you and your friends, and a break from your boring, everyday routine.WOULD YOU LIKE YOUR OWN $100 BAR TAB? If you would like to become the next non-celebrity bartender, email twincitiespromo@theonion.com with “Moose” in the subject field for more details. Be sure to include a photo of yourself and a list of your claims to non-fame.Moose on Monroe 356 Monroe St. Minneapolis (612) 623-4999

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By this point the wheels were in motion. All I needed to do was receive my awesome t-shirt and arrive at the Moose on Monroe, ready to bartend. I actually started to get worried about the shirt, because it had not arrived on Friday. I didn’t have a backup plan, so I was relieved when my shirt arrived in the mail on Saturday.I put my shirt on, and headed over to the Moose. I didn’t really know what to expect from the bar, because it is sort of a strange place. It is actually located 2 blocks away from my old employer, Minneapolis Public Schools, and I had been to the Moose on several occasions. However, every time I was there was for Happy Hour, and the clientele was strictly Rednecks (no offense, Rednecks, if you are reading this… but I doubt you’re reading this, because you probably don’t know what the Internet is). I wasn’t sure what kind of patrons to expect on a Saturday night.Katie told me to arrive about 30 minutes early, to make sure that I was set up. I sat at the bar and tried to keep a low profile. Believe it or not, I sat down right next to a redneck, and we started to chat. He was quite inebriated, and mentioned to me that this was his first visit to the Moose. I was a little uncomfortable at this point, because I was stone cold sober, and this man was telling me his life story, so I was relieved when we were interrupted by a cute bartender who asked if I would like anything to drink. I needed something to calm the nerves, so I promptly asked her for a Captain and Diet and resumed talking to my bar neighbor.

After a while the cute bartender came back and said “excuse me, but what did you order again?” I said Captain and Diet, and then made mention that I was also there to be the non-celebrity bartender. She introduced herself as Sarah, and told me that I would be working with her all night. Lucky me! I thought I would be stuck bartending with some asshole of a guy, and I end up being the apprentice of a beautiful, seemingly nice woman.

She told me that I could come behind the bar as soon as my friends started to arrive. I told her that my friends likely would not arrive on time (9 PM), and that it would be more like 9:30 at the earliest. She said that would be fine if I went behind the bar at 9, and finally gave me my Captain and Diet. The guy next to me took a liking to Sarah, and started hitting on her.

“What is your name?”
“How old are you?”
“Do you like older guys?”
“Do you want to hook up?”
“Where did you grow up?”
“Do you have a day job?”
“What is your middle name?” and on and on…

This guy was persistent! He also had no shame. Sarah was a good sport and answered all of his questions truthfully. I listened intently, because I knew that I would be spending the rest of the night working beside her, so it was good to learn as much as possible about my bar mentor.

Finally, 9 o’clock rolled around, and I assumed my position behind the bar. Sarah taught me the basics and told me the rules. She said that I couldn’t touch the register, and I needed to keep track of each drink that I served. She would total up my drinks served, and once I hit $100, my bartending gig was over.

I was a little nervous at this point, because I had no idea what to expect. In addition, none of my friends had arrived, so I was a little embarrassed at the situation. The only “friend” I had at this point was the drunk guy who had been sitting right next to me. Once he learned that I was able to give out free drinks, I quickly became his best friend. “Let’s do a shot” he said, to which I responded “sure!” I needed to take the edge off, and it was free, so why not. So, I asked Sarah how to make shots, and she said “I will make them… and I will take one with you too!” Sarah made a round of Jag bombs for the three of us, as well as the waitress Jessica.

“Cheers!”

When we were done, I asked Sarah if I should write it down on my list. She said “just write down two of them and you’ll be fine”. Excellent! She wasn’t a drink counting Nazi bartender, so I knew I had a little leeway with the whole “keeping track of drinks” thing.

At about 9:20 I still was friendless. Justifying myself, I said to Sarah “I really do have friends… seriously!” I am not sure if she believed me. Here I was; a dorky guy who was wearing a t-shirt from a lame Tom Cruise movie, and who had a picture of himself in the Onion drinking from a Flamingo Cup. She must have thought that I was the biggest dork in the world.

My first friends arrived at about 9:30 (Langhoff and his girl, the two headed monster known as Mando/Brando), and eased my tensions a little. I poured them drinks, and had a drink for myself. I was starting to feel a little more comfortable behind the bar (and a little inebriated as well).

More friends arrived, and more drinks were poured. Sarah and I were getting along great, and she was genuinely laughing at my bad jokes! I was like a kid in a candy store! I was behind a bar, bullshitting with my friends, making drinks for myself, and flirting with the gorgeous bartender. Even better, I was having so much fun that I would occasionally “forget” to write down the drinks that I served. Whoops! I served my friends for an hour before Sarah totaled up our tab. I was crossing my fingers that I would be under $100 so that I could stay behind the bar when Sarah came back with the tab total: $57!

Holy crap! I probably poured 40 drinks, and the total was $57! That meant that I could continue behind the bar for another 45 minutes and serve my friends drinks! Even better, that meant that I could spend 45 minutes flirting with Sarah, who was slowly becoming my new best friend (and I was getting a crush on her too).

The next 45 minutes flew by… and all of the sudden, my $100 bar tab was fully dried up (I use the number $100 loosely, because I probably served closer to $300 worth of drinks and shots). My friends were still at the bar when the tab ran out, and a lot of them decided to stay and finish their drinks. I asked Sarah if was in the way and she said “not at all… you are doing great! You can stay behind the bar as long as your friends keep buying drinks”.

Awesome. Even though I could easily have left the bar and joined my friends as patrons, I decided to stay and enjoy my time behind the bar. Time just flew by, and Sarah and I were really enjoying each others company. At 11:30, Sarah’s boss pulled her aside and asked “why the heck is that guy still behind the bar? He was supposed to be out of here by 11!” To which she responded:

“He’s really helping me out, the customers love him, and he’s doing a great job… plus I think he’s really cute!”

Of course, she made it a point to tell me her conversion 5 minutes later; emphasizing the fact that she thought I was cute. I knew at that point that our attraction was mutual, and all I could think about was asking her out on a date (or at least getting her number).

The only way I was leaving from behind that bar was in a body bag! My friends started trickling out of the bar, and I eventually started serving the actual bar clientele. They loved me! I was bullshitting with every customer, having a great time, and thoroughly enjoying my night. I did the dishes behind the bar, made drinks for Jessica the waitress, convinced Sarah to make more shots, and gave myself a steady stream of Captain Diet’s.

My last friend rolled out at 12:30, and at that time Sarah told me “you may want to think about leaving soon. This place gets a little shady after 12:30, and you don’t want to get stuck with a crazy customer.”

I thanked Sarah for a great time, and told her that bartending was a great experience. She said “I had a great time too. So, where are you going now? To your Wife? To your girlfriend?” Sadly, I had to tell her the truth; I had nobody to go home to… sad as it was, I also viewed it as the perfect opportunity to ask if she would like to go out some time. She wrote her number on a cocktail napkin, and told me that she would love to continue this on another occasion.

I took the number and entered it into my phone. Then I called her right away to make sure it wasn’t the number for the National Rejection Line. Miraculously, her phone started ringing, and I knew that I would be seeing her again.

I called her a few days later and told her that I was very interested in going out with her in the near future. Unfortunately, I had to leave for LA the next day on business, so we had to plan a date a week in advance. I told her that we should talk via email when I was gone, because it is the easiest way for me to communicate when I’m on business.

She emailed me the next morning, and asked me a bunch of questions about my personal life… kind of a “get to know you” type thing. I was sitting on the plane when I received the email, and the flight was about to take off, so I decided to respond to her when I touched down in LA. Somehow, the hydraulics on the plane malfunctioned, so my flight was delayed. So, I took the opportunity to respond to her email. I answered her questions, and asked her some of my own.
We went back and forth a few times during the delay, and I learned that we have a lot in common.

We continued to email each other throughout the week that I was in LA, and I met up with her and some friends when I arrived in Minneapolis on a Friday night. Sunday, April 1st was our first official date, and we had a great time! We went to dinner in Uptown and attended an Improv show starring Katie Moen (who turned out to be the match maker entire thing). When the moment was right, we had our first kiss… and the rest is history.

It took several forces working in congruent motion for Sarah and Jeff to meet. Two people from different backgrounds, different towns and different circumstances coming together and fatefully meeting at the most unassuming of all events.

When I agreed to be the non-celebrity bartender on March 24, 2007, finding a girlfriend was the furthest thing on my mind. Three months later, I fall more in love with Sarah each day. She is an amazing person who has lived a lot of life, and has a wonderful attitude. She is the type of person who will try anything once, is very open minded, and brilliant in mind and soul. Best yet, she really likes me and enjoys all that I have to offer.

For years, people have told me that I will find the perfect girl when I least expect it. They were absolutely right.

Thank you for that advice
Thank you Katie Moen
Thank you the Onion
Thank you Moose on Monroe
Thank you Sarah Marquis

You have helped make my life more complete.