You may recall my previous story “Stage Fright at the Trough“. In this story, I detailed my difficulties performing “#1″ into a gigantic trough at a Minnesota Vikings game. You surely found it hilarious, because my writing is just that: hilarious!

Self-Promotion aside, the reason for my writing today is to tell you about my experiences at another trough, which yielded a much more positive outcome. Yes, I am going to detail my experiences at a Minnesota Timberwolves game where I gained my revenge at the trough.

The setting: a Friday night. December 23, 2005, the night before the night before Christmas. Chip, Wingy, Klit and I myself decided to attend a Minnesota Timberwolves game. We weren’t able to get 4 tickets seated together, so we split up into pairs; 2 in the lower deck, and 2 in the nosebleeds. Mike “Wing Commander” Shields and Kris “Klit Commander” Klitzke took the lower deck seats, leaving me and Brandon “Chip” Smith in the upper deck.

Before we move on, let’s get the record straight: The upper deck at a Timberwolves game is not as glamorous as it sounds. All of the players look quite small, and it’s easier to follow the game on the jumbotron than to actually try and watch the game live. So basically it’s like watching the game on Television, only with seats that are far less comfortable. There is one advantage, however, and that is that there are no lines at the bathroom.

Contrasting the bathroom line length at the Metrodome during a sold out Vikings game with a marginal Timberwolves game the night before the night before Christmas, and you’ll come to this conclusion: it’s more comfortable to pee as a Wolves fan. Being the eternal opportunist that I am, I took fair advantage of the open nature of the restroom facilities.

As a precursor to my story’s ultimate punchline, I must warn you that before and during the game, I consumed a fair number of adult beverages. Among the effects of imbibing such mass quantities of fermented beverages is that the beer completely uninhibits your nature, and also makes you have to tinkle.

So here I am. Beer buzzed and about to break the seal. At some point during the second quarter of the game, I decide that it’s my time to go, and proceed to the mens restroom. Upon arrival, I become fully aware of my surroundings, and realize that there is not a soul in the entire restroom.

Nobody in the stalls.
Nobody washing their hands.
Nobody at the gigantic trough starting back at me.

Now, we’ve already established three things about my state of nature at this point:
1) I am an opportunist.
2) I had to go to the bathroom really bad.
3) I was under the influence of alcohol, and completely uninhibited.

Combine these three factors, and I could only think of one possible thing to do at this trough situation; seek my revenge.

After pondering the situation for a short while, I came up with my best plan of action for exacting my revenge: Start out peeing at one end of the trough, and then make my way all the way down to the other end of the trough while still peeing.

It was the ultimate plan, as
a) there was nobody in sight,
b) I had to go really bad, leaving me with enough fuel to make it all the way to the end and
c) I was completely uninhibited to the point that I wouldn’t have even cared if someone walked into the bathroom during my “pee voyage”.

So now it’s time to live out the plan. Did I go through with it? What do you think?