The Jeff Sauer Experience v7.0

I think that the ethnicity that provides aspiring actors with the least opportunity for success would be Somali. Why, you ask? Well, that’s simple; there are very few roles in American cinema that provide opportunities for Somali actors. The following essay is meant to prove a point that has been bothering me for the past several years.

First of all, let me give you some background. I didn’t spend much time in Minneapolis until a little over two years ago. Up until this time, I spent almost all of my time in the city of St. Paul. Then two things happened that contributed to my gradual migration to the larger of the Twin Cities. The first event was my gainful employment with Minneapolis Public Schools. The second being less of an event, and more of a gradual process, is that my friends began immigrating to the lovely city of Minneapolis by the dozens. Both of these events led me to more common interactions with a group of people whom I had previously only known about in theory. Yes, I started meeting and interacting with Somali people on a daily basis.

Before I begin with my theory, I must also stress that I enjoy Somali people. They are very kind and gracious people and I enjoy their company. With that said, here is my reasoning for why Somali actors have the most difficult job in show business.

Simply put, there are rarely movies that feature roles for actors of obvious Somali descent. With the exception of the Josh “Hotnett” (you see what I did there was replace his real last name of Hartnett with the made-up last name of Hotnett, which is a subtle way of me saying that I think he’s a mega dreamboat. Yes, I am a 13 year old girl.), film Black Hawk Down, I cannot recall another movie that featured Somali actors. That’s one movie in 100 years of Hollywood. I don’t like those odds!

So here we are, with a grand total of ONE movie featuring actors of Somali descent. That’s a drastically underrepresented segment of the world’s population.

Now, I know that you’re reading this and thinking to yourself “so what”. You probably think that most American films under represent most segments of the population, so why am I talking about Somali’s? The short answer is boredom. The long answer is that I have actually thought about this theory for years, and I have done some research to prove my theory accurate.

In order prove my theory correct, I will suggest other population segments, and then demonstrate why their actors should have no problems finding work in Hollywood. For example, Native Americans make up a microscopic portion of our population. However, with “Western” movies made every year, there is always a need for a great Native American actor. Switching from feathers to dots, I can also dispel this theory for actors from India. Indian actors have become a very vital portion of the Hollywood landscape. It’s like my dad always taught me, “Need comic relief? Hire an Indian!”

Absence of roles for Asians? Yeah right, try auditioning for a WWII or Vietnam war movie (if you’re Japanese or Vietnamese). But what about the Chinese? How about a series of two word answers: Kung Fu, Jackie Chan, Jet Li, Yao Ming. Yes, I know Yao Ming isn’t an actor, but don’t you think that they will be making a movie about his life some time soon? Yes, it’s not a bad time to be asian in Hollywood

Now you’re probably thinking that I’m choosing easy population segments, so I’ll try something tough: Aborigines. Yes, these are the folks indigenous to Australia. Not many roles asking for an aborigine? Try telling that to the extras from any of the Crocodile Dundee movies. Heck, I’m sure that the “Steve Irwin Crocodile Hunter” movie even featured an Aborigine or two. You can try to prove me wrong if you’d like, but that just means that you’ll have to admit to me that you watched the CROCODILE HUNTER MOVIE. Yeah, keep your comments to yourself cheech.

Speaking of cheech, he is a member of the well-represented Latino segment of the population, who, along with white and black actors, make up the “big three” in Hollywood. I’d list prominent movies featuring Hispanics, but that would take forever. Instead, I’ll just mention one: La Bamba.

What about retards? There’s a lot more of them than Somalis on the silver screen. All I need is a single phrase to sum up their ample role opportunities; “Sloth loves Chunk”! Other notable mentally challenged folks on the big screen: Gilbert Grape, Warren from there’s something about Mary, Rain Man, Sling Blade, the Other Sister, Chris Klein (oh snap), and the one and only Sloth from the Goonies.

Midgets may be short, but they are not short of roles. Hell, did you see the movie Willow? What about Vern Troyer? The guy from “Bad Santa” and “Me, Myself and Irene”? As you can see, there’s no “shortage” of roles. Man, that joke is so great I had to use it twice in the same paragraph.

Italians? Mafia movies. Russians? Cold war movies. French? Probably getting beat up a lot in movies. Irish? Bar patrons in movies.

Even Middle Easterners have a much easier time finding roles in Hollywood. Unfortunately for them, most roles involve a “terrorist” plot. (why can’t Hollywood make a movie about Middle Easterners who are gracious people who fit in very well to the American landscape? I know several of them).

South American actors can always find roles such as kidnapper #1, kidnapper #2, etc. in films like “proof of life” and “man on fire”.

My point is this, if you name a segment of the population, I can name one or two movies off the top of my head featuring actors of a certain descent. I can’t say the same for Somali’s. As my evidence proves, Somali’s have it rough in Hollywood.

Rather than sit and dwell on this hardship, however, I believe that Somali actors should do something about it! I think it is time that they paid someone to start drafting the script for Black Hawk Down II.

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