The Jeff Sauer Experience v7.0

My brother Brian married his high school sweetheart Michelle in April of 2004. I was their best man. In order to celebrate their two year anniversary, I am posting the “best man” speech I gave at their wedding.

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I think it’s great that Brian and Michelle are getting married. It is great to finally see them exchange formalities and put some closure to this romance that has lasted for almost a half a century. Brian and Michelle getting married is the relationship equivalent to Kirby Puckett getting elected into the hall of fame; you knew it was going to happen, you were just unsure what the date would be. Brian and Michelle had been dating so long that I was beginning to worry that I had overslept and completely missed the wedding!Brian finally proposing to Michelle was one of those life-altering moments that catch you so much by surprise that you remember exactly where you were and what you were doing at that exact time.

• Where were you when Kennedy got shot?
• What were you doing when you heard about the challenger explosion?
• How did you hear about 911?
• Where were you when Brian proposed to Michelle?

These questions are usually answered precisely and with a large amount of emotion. My answers are no different.

• First, I was not born at the time of the Kennedy assassination.
• Second, I was eating a grilled cheese sandwich with my mother after an arduous day of kick ball in Kindergarten.
• Third, I was on my way to class when I heard the news about 911 on the radio.
• Fourth, I was doing my thing in the bathroom when I heard the news. There I was, sitting in a stall when I received a call from Brian telling me the news. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing and immediately congratulated him! I nearly ran out of the stall with my pants down before I came to my senses. To be quite honest, this was the second most eventful bathroom visit of my entire life! For those of you who want to know the first, buy me a drink and ask me later!

Back when Brian and Michelle started dating, I wasn’t sure they were going to make it. Not because they weren’t good for each other, but rather because of the massive phone bills attributed to their budding romance.

I was convinced that Michelle called our house all the time. But then our family got caller ID, and I finally was able to see how often she really called. It didn’t take long to confirm the fact that Michelle indeed called our house all the time!

For those of you with caller ID, I’m sure you have scrolled through the list of incoming calls to see who has called. I myself did this out of curiosity until frustration took over. I scrolled through the call log in order to see if anyone had called me recently, and I what I saw was quite disturbing. Our caller ID log read something like this:

• Heroff, RIchard
• Heroff, RIchard
• Heroff, RIchard
• Heroff, RIchard
• Heroff, RIchard
• Heroff, RIchard
• Pay Phone – most likely Michelle
• Heroff, RIchard
• Grandma and Grandpa
• Heroff, RIchard
• Heroff, RIchard
• Michelle from my Grandma and Grandpa’s house

At first I wondered to myself why Michelle’s dad was calling so often. Then I realized that it wasn’t Michelle’s dad, but rather Michelle. This calling frenzy was simply out of control! I was a 15 year old, and I wasn’t getting any calls! Michelle was the only person calling our house! It got to the point where I’d call home from a friend’s place and hang up; just to provide the illusion that someone other than Michelle was calling our place for once.

I have a story to tell all of you. It’s

A little ditty about Brian and Michelle.

Two American kids growing up in the WBL.

Brian was a big football star.

Michelle’s dad fixed the breaks on my car.

Suckin on a dilly bar, outside the Cup and Cone.

Michelle loves to call Brian on the telephone.

Brian said I’m going to the Harvard of the Midwest.

Michelle went to Northfield too, who would have guessed!

Brian said oh yeah, life goes on.

Long after the thrill of danceline is gone.

Oh yeah, life goes on.

Long after the reign of Bob Jackson is done.

Brian and I have gone through a lot over the years. We have been each other’s best friend; we have been each other’s worst enemy. We are always the first to criticize each other’s decisions in a way only brothers can do. When I found out Brian and Michelle were getting married, I easily could have done the brotherly thing and criticized his choice. But for the first time in my life, I had nothing to criticize Brian about. He has made a great decision, and he is marrying a great girl. I wish you two all of the happiness in the world, and I am honored to be considered the best man.

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