- Brooks

Back when I was an unhappy fat bastard I never imagined a life resembling the one I live right now.  Over the years I have taken on a wealth of personal and professional responsibility, commitment and development that is downright overwhelming to think about.  In fact, I have so much swimming through my head that I feel compelled to write it all down as therapy.

My personality lends itself to obsessive behavior – I am an autodidact in all senses of the word, and have an extreme sense of commitment that makes me loyal to a fault.  I have a hard time letting go of things when I have worked hard to acquire or nurture them.  Amanda calls me a hoarder for this behavior – I just call it reality.

Over the years, accumulation becomes a juggling act that gets more difficult as more balls are added.  Many balls barely stay in the air, and the act of juggling becomes more and more difficult.

It would be really easy to simply quit some commitments cold turkey or phase certain aspects out of my life, but which ones?  I really enjoy everything that I have added to my life in the past several years.

So rather than complain about being overwhelmed, maybe it’s more healthy to celebrate the balls that I have put in the air.

Relationship – Without getting into too much detail, being in a long distance relationship has a significant impact on priorities and time management

Wedding Planning – I asked Amanda to marry me in March and while our wedding date is still 9 months away, things are bound to start heating up in the near future.  We have already planned to have a small family wedding at Kunde Estate in Sonoma Valley

Three Deep – Among all commitments, this one takes up by far the most time – but is also responsible for almost all of my livelihood.  It is also among the most rewarding things that I do – growing a company from a small start up to a great place to work and a great company.

Freelance Projects – I like to stay fresh as a marketer and web developer, so I will occasionally take on freelance projects that fall into ideal situations (developing sites in WordPress).  I always do a great job, but not always in a timely manner.  This is a ball that usually has the biggest chance of dropping each day.

Gardening – This year I started my first food garden in my yard and it’s been a fun experience.  Next year I would like to take it to another level by installing a retaining wall/garden bed and taking it to the next level.  This will take a lot of up front time (which I enjoy – need an annual house project), and will be therapeutic.

Charcuterie – I already showed you how the sausage is made.  I plan on making much more of it!

MIMA Board – I joined the board of the Minnesota Interactive Marketing Association this year, and it has been a very valuable experience.  It is my first non-profit board membership, and I have learned a lot from the team.  I am also contributing by managing the website for the annual summit, the main website and the MIMA blog.  I drastically underestimated how much time this would take, but I feel a sense of accomplishment seeing it come together.

Pool N Patio – Not many people know that I also own an online e-commerce business that sells pool equipment online.  It has been a very interesting experience and I wish I could spend more time on making the store better – but for the most part I have neglected things while I work on other ventures.

Bodyguard Careers – This is a website I have worked on with Hucky for the past 7 years.  We do a lot to contribute to the education of people looking to get into the Executive Protection industry and it has been great to see it grow.

Speaking Engagements – Over the past 12 months I have averaged a speaking gig every 1-2 months.  I have presented in front of the St. Paul Chamber of Commerce, MIMA, Project Skyway, Nonprofit talk and many others… as well as client presentations with Silverpop and Google.  This is probably my biggest guilty pleasure.  For some reason, I love public speaking and evangelizing online marketing to anyone who will listen!

Mentorship – I really enjoy providing career mentorship to people who are interested in a career in marketing.  I had to learn everything on my own due to a lack of available resources, so I try to get people on the right career track whenever I can.  This includes employees at Three Deep as well as people outside of the organization.

Social Life – I still try to meet up with as many friends as possible, but I have found that a lot of my social outings have become career motivated in recent years.  I still keep in touch with most high school and college friends, but seeing work and industry friends have become my most frequent social events.

Travel – I spend around 130-150 nights a year in a hotel room or guest bedroom.  I’m a platinum flyer with Delta and Gold with Hilton hotels.  I love seeing the world and don’t want to trade this in until I have kids and need to settle down.  More than anything, this causes me to juggle the most, so I probably won’t be heartbroken when I find myself a silver elite flyer instead of platinum at some point.

Family – At times I feel like I neglect my family, but for the most part I still see everyone at the same rate I always have: 1-2 times a month.   When we do see each other, I try to make sure it’s quality time.

Photography – I began an attempt to organize all of my photos over the years and have made progress, but it’s still slow going.  I would also like to get better at taking advanced photos with my camera (i.e. not

Wine – Wine is awesome.  I love to collect it and drink it.   Heck, we are getting married at a winery!  My favorite winery right now is Wellington in Sonoma, with Ty Caton being a close #2.

Things I have virtually cut out of my life:

Casual Sports Watching – Sports are all but gone from my day to day life.  Other than my season tickets with the Twins and catching ballparks on work trips, I hardly have sports on my TV.  I have even started to DVR Vikings games and watch them on a delay!

Writing – I love writing and it pains me that I don’t do more of it.  I simply have too much brain drain during most weeks to even think about writing something to share with the world.  Most of my writing is started by a thought I have in the shower or in the car – I will get inspired to draft something, run out of time, and have the post sit untouched for months/years.  It doesn’t really seem worth it to post incomplete thoughts, and I’m not sure what my audience even is for complete articles (outside of my sisters awesome encouragement).

Weeknight Socializing – What does that even mean?

Lazy Weekends – Yeah right.  I am up at 6:30 AM most weekends naturally.  I’m getting old dude.

Idleness – Not sure I could sit idle anyway, but I have filled my time with so many commitments that guilt sets in well before I spend any time idly standing by

Television Surfing – DVR baby

This is the life I have chosen – and I like it.  At some point change will come and I very well may long for this exact moment.   Until then, I will continue to seize today while it’s here and become a better juggler.

Professional Juggler is a post from: Jeff Sauer Experience v8.0

Creating a Global Bodyguard Network

Today I have the pleasure of presenting at the Unsummit, a local un-conference in St. Paul that is equal parts fun and informative. The format is very relaxed and presentations are rapid fire and not over-engineered. I would say my deck is probably going to be on the over-engineered side compared to others, but I tried to make it as visual as possible.

The story I am sharing is about how Hucky and I created Bodyguard Careers in 2005 and how it has evolved since then into a global leader in the industry for career advice and job placements.  The goal was to be funny, informative, and if at all possible, inspirations.

Creating a Global Bodyguard Network is a post from: Jeff Sauer Experience v8.0

7 years ago Jeff left the factory to start a new life in inner-ring suburbia.  The songs were growing tiresome and he just wanted to pursue his passion of cooking.

6 years ago he made a failed attempt at inviting a ragtag group of friends to his house to cook a feast of golden egg laying geese.  Things were going well until a little brat named Veruca Salt ruined it for everyone.  Also, it turns out that the meat of a golden goose doesn’t taste very good.

The next year Jeff decided to change things up a little bit and focus on cooking only the tastiest of meats of the porcine variety.  The smiles on everyone’s faces when eating ribs and pulled pork sandwiches were too much for Jeff; he cried for the first and only time that day.

Over the years this gathering of pork lovers has come to be known as Porkapalooza – a time to celebrate with friends and family, and feast on the expertly prepared pieces of pork.

With each year of Porkapalooza a new introduction is made.  Last year it was the bacon explosion, which was loved by those who lived to tell about their explosion experience.

This year Jeff has decided to take things to another level by grinding fine cuts of pork into sausage and smoking over fires of hickory and applewood.

As a friend or family member, you are casually invited to “see how the sausage is made” at Porkapalooza V or Jeff’s 30th Birthday Extravaganza.  We would love for you to attend.

Please reply to this invite if you will be able to attend.  It would be appreciated if you could bring a side dish or a dessert.  Alcoholic beverages will be available, but in limited quantities, so please consider bringing those as well.

If you weren’t already invited, I would love for you to join. RSVP here: Porkapalooza RSVP

[Show as slideshow]

Porkapalooza V or Jeff’s 30th Birthday Extravagana is a post from: Jeff Sauer Experience v8.0

I have long considered 2004 the worst year of my life.  Sure, a lot of good things happened this year (I bought my first house and my brother got married), but I was miserable.

Maybe it was the fact that I was severely overweight (I weighed 295+ pounds).  Maybe it was the fact that I was very bitter over a failed relationship.  Maybe it was the $10,000+ I had amassed in credit card debt.   Maybe it was the fact that one of my best friends, a star athlete who seemed to be in perfect health, was diagnosed with cancer at age 23.  Whatever it was, life in 2004 seemed to be a series of bad outcomes with little end in sight.

By mid 2005, a series of events helped me start to turn things around and set me on my current path in life.  First, I started to lead a healthier life by working out more and eating less.  After seeing someone at their peak physical health get cancer, my own sense of mortality set in and motivated me to improve my lifestyle choices.

Next, my brother and his wife announced that they were going to have a baby!  In order to get international travel out of his system one last time before Annika arrived, Brian and I decided to take a trip to Tokyo… for a weekend!  It was the trip to Tokyo that re-opened my world to all of the possibilities that I could pursue, and gave me energy to try and improve my situation.  Knowing that I was about to become an uncle made me realize that I needed to start being a lot more responsible with the way I lived my life.

Last, and perhaps most important, I started a working relationship and friendship with Harlan Austin – someone who believed in me and helped me unlock my business potential.  Harlan came to me in need of website help.  He had some great ideas to serve under-tapped niches online and needed someone to help him get things rolling.

Frankly, I wasn’t very good at web design, but I was determined to get the job done and created several websites with Harlan.  He was happy with the results and challenged me to learn how we can continue to make them better.  It was through being challenged that I realized that I needed to work hard and challenge myself in order to truly be successful in life.

From that point on, the rest is history.  I started doing freelance work at night in order to compliment the income from my day job and eliminate my credit card debt.   By the end of 2005 I determined that I could safely quit my job and make enough money freelancing to keep my bills paid.  On February 1, 2006 I became self employed, and I have been a business owner ever since.

In addition to my work with Harlan, one of my first contracts as a freelancer was with a small company called Three Deep Marketing.   At the time, there were only 4 people at Three Deep (Dave, Dan, Scott and my good friend Brandon).  Brandon introduced me to the team and we soon learned that we worked great together.  For a freelancer, it was a perfect cultural fit; there was a great synergy on our team and we worked together to bring many successful solutions to our clients.

In March of 2008 I became a partner in Three Deep, merging my freelance business and clients with theirs and teaming up to bring an integrated marketing solution to our clients.   Since joining the team, we have grown to 27 people and a new location in downtown Saint Paul.

Also in 2008, I started dating my girlfriend Amanda, who is my perfect compliment.  She is smart, funny and a genuinely great person.  She has introduced me to many new things and encourages me to pursue my dreams.   I am lucky to have her in my life!

I have really turned my life around and put myself on a path for success, but I am still hungry for more.  I know what it feels like to feel helpless, bitter, and to not take care of myself; I remind myself of these feelings every day as a source of motivation.  To me, there is no greater source of motivation in life than to know what “rock bottom” feels like, and to have overcome it.

Every little achievement that I have made  in my career builds on itself and I live my life in search of positive energy.

It isn’t always easy to stay motivated, but it is easy to stay on track you look in the mirror and you are proud of the person looking back.  In 2004, I didn’t feel a lot of self-pride.  By 2005, I found reasons to be proud of myself.  In 2010, I feel like I have completely changed my perspective on life.

If you have read this far, I thank you for sharing in my story.  If you are looking for a source of inspiration, let me know.  I would love to talk with you!

5 Years After I Decided to Turn My Life Around is a post from: Jeff Sauer Experience v8.0

I waited in line for 2 hours to buy the first iPhone the day it came out.  I bought the second iPhone (the iPhone 3G) within 1-2 months of when it came out (AT&T subsidized it)… and I recently bought the iPhone 3GS when I was in San Francisco.

As the story goes, I was leaving Silicon Valley to go to SF when my phone battery died.  Rather than buying a charger, I bought a phone at the Flagship Apple store in Union Square.   Although it sounds like a major exercise in excess, I must add that I had intended to buy the phone when I got back to MN, and the poor battery performances simply forced me to play my cards sooner.

The phone purchase experience from Apple was exemplary, and I really had no problems.  In fact, I’m enamored with Apple for producing such an amazing piece of hardware.  Really, I have no beef at all with the phone; just the service provider.

While my phone is a business expense, and therefore write-off-able, I still think that the charges AT&T force you to pay are ridiculous.  The service charges for voice time are in line (about $50/month for my plan), and the data isn’t horrible ($30 for unlimited usage… about a $50/month savings over the stupid blackberry I used to own), the SMS charges are absolutely out of control.  For those of you who don’t know the lingo, SMS is simply text messages.  From a technical perspective, text messages are simply data points being delivered to your phone… only much more primitive.  Basically, SMS messages are transmitted over a data network (which I am already being charged for), and take far less data to transmit than an open web browser connection.  So why charge $20/month to use it?  For anyone under 40 who actually uses SMS as a part of everyday life, this is a travesty.

The other big issue with AT&T is that it really doesn’t work everywhere.  In fact, it really works poorly across most of America.  As I alluded to above, I was recently in Silicon Valley, which is literally the birthplace of any relevant technology over the past 50 years.  It also has horrible coverage from AT&T in many places.  New York City is also horrendous.  Sure there are a lot of big buildings in NYC, but there are also millions of users.  How about you put a tower on every building and actually make your service usable?

Rants aside, I have another rant for you.  After my recent purchase at the Apple store in SF, I got a survey invite from AT&T to give them feedback about my new phone.  I decided to tell them how I really feel.  When they asked my about the ‘negative’ points of my purchase from Apple, I stated:

The purchase really didn’t have any negative points, but the AT&T Policies are ridiculous.  Separate plan for SMS?  You should be ashamed of yourselves.  This is an old school technology, yet you charge separately for a data plan?  I think that you are completely out of touch with consumers and I hope your company loses exclusive rights to this superior product so that you can understand the repercussions of being such a horribly out of touch company.  Go back to tin cans on a strings, give up your profits/exclusivity with Apple, fire your executives, promote people under 40 who actually in touch with cell phone users, sacrifice a little profit, and then come back in 2-3 years with a service offering that people will resonate to using.  That is really the only way you could make any of us happy, aside from upgrading the service you offer to something relevant to 2009 and quit penalizing me for sending SMS messages.  Also, get MMS to work you idiots.

In addition to my rants, I answered the following question:

Is there anything else about AT&T, Apple, or the iPhone 3G / 3G S that you would like to tell us?

AT&T should do what Japanese businessmen do and fall on their sword and admit that they are horrible people and have no business blemishing an otherwise perfect product.

Maybe a little harsh, but really, the people at AT&T are bad.  Americans should speak their peace, and I have every right to tell a company how bad they are.  AT&T has made hundreds of millions of dollars in profit off of the Apple iPhone, yet they have done the bare minimum to accommodate the users of their service. For this reason, I don’t feel a single iota of guilt for telling them that they are horribly out of touch with the consumer economy.

Survey from AT&T about my iPhone is a post from: Jeff Sauer Experience v8.0

Fortunately, I don’t have bad break-ups more than once a year, so I need some material to plug on this blog in order to keep it afloat (and yes, I realize that it is barely afloat, but fuck off if you’re going to give me a guilt trip). Unfortunately, my fat ass eats Chipotle like 14 times a week, so it is usually what I am doing when it comes time for blog posting.

That won’t be the case today. Aside from my obsession with the Mexican Subway, my other favorite things in life are as follows: Cable Guy and Arizona Basketball. While I don’t blog about either topic nearly enough, I was introduced at one point last year with the following intro on my friends’ blog:

Without further ado, this week’s entry comes from one of our long time cronies that we met back in St. Paul in the hall that is Brady. Three contests that you will lose against him: 1) A drinking contest, 2) An Arizona Basketball trivia contest and 3) anything Chipotle contest.

Given this accurate introduction, it comes as no surprise that I write this post while doing two of the above; drinking some red wine and lamenting the Lute Olson era at Arizona.

Lute Olson. My mentor in life.

You see, it finally just set in to me that my hero, my idol, my silver fox, my coach, my second dad, my source of inspiration, my surrogate grandfather, my rock, my COACH. The man who took the Arizona Wildcats from a basketball joke to the most successful basketball program in the past 25 years, is retiring.

The stats don’t lie, Lute Olson turned Arizona basketball into a nationally renown powerhouse. I basically grew up with Lute at the helm of the Wildcats, and was in Tucson, Arizona, visiting my awesome family several times while I was growing up.

It was during the 1988 final four season that I realized my love for the Wildcats. That was the team that had Steve Kerr and Sean Elliot, and I remember my little cousins Mike and Matt running through their Tucson house, yelling “Teeeeeve Terrr!!” while cheering on their favorite player. These kids were barely old enough to talk, yet they were already declaring their love for the Wildcats.

I have been to Tucson at least 10 times in my life, and each time I grew more and more enamored with the Wildcats and the legacy that was being cultivated by Lute Olson. In the 6th grade, my first pair of boxers were purchased. They had the wildcat logo all over them, and I loved those damn boxers!

It wasn’t until my junior year of college that I actually made it to an Arizona Wildcats basketball game. I was visiting my cousin Tyler in Tucson, and he was able to get us tickets to the McKale center (not an easy task since there isn’t much else to do in Tucson), and we watched my beloved Cats get throttled by the Oregon Ducks. Not a good Lute Olson cherry busting, but still a great experience nonetheless.

Personal experiences aside, there is no doubt that Lute Olson’s impact on Arizona basketball was profound and undeniable. The stats don’t lie:

• Career Record: 589-187 in 24 seasons at Arizona
• 1997 NCAA champions
• 4 Final Fours (1988, 1994, 1997, 2001)
• 24 Consecutive NCAA appearances
• 13 First Round Draft Picks
• Great NBA Players: Sean Elliott, Steve Kerr, Damon Stoudemire, Mike Bibby, Michael Dickerson, Jason Terry, Gilbert Arenas, Luke Walton, Richard Jefferson and Andre Igoudala.

Beyond all of that, he gave me something to look forward to. Whether I was a normal curly haired kid in elementary school, a dork in high school, an outspoken college kid (amazing how many UST bastards liked Duke), or a basketball passionate post-graduate, I always had Arizona basketball to look forward to every winter; even more every March.

That is why I am writing this post. As I was sitting at my computer, reading through various RSS feeds that I had caught while I was away on business travel, it finally set in for me; Lute is gone. Gandhalf the White is no longer. The most consistent thing I have ever known in my life is gone. I really don’t know what will happen to the Arizona basketball program. I think about all of this, and it started to get a little dusty in the room.

God bless you Lute. You are a class act.

Lute Olson and Me is a post from: Jeff Sauer Experience v8.0

Hello, my name is Jeff Sauer, Grandson of Norb and Lenore, and welcome to our celebration of 60 years of marriage between Lenore and Norby, or as we affectionately call them; Lenorby.

I will be your master of ceremonies for this event, and I hope that you’ll soon find that you are in good hands. Grandpa chose me to host this event because he says I remind him of a young Bob Hope.

I have no idea what that means, but I am taking it as a compliment.

Enough about me. The real reason why we are here is to celebrate the 60th wedding anniversary of Mr. and Mrs. Norbert T Koch.

60 years! 6 – 0. That’s not a typo. 60 years! That is a long time for two people to be together. In fact, this type of longevity is almost unheard of in modern times. This is a testament to their long lasting love and devotion.

To see how they made it this far, let me give you some insight into how things came to be.

Norbert Thomas Koch and Mary Lenore Leroux had modest upbringings. Norb grew up in North Minneapolis, back in a time where it was safe to drive through the neighborhood with your windows down. Lenore grew up in the town of Hamel, on a farm that is now a high school and a housing development.

Due to some unfortunate turns in life, Norb was tasked with helping to prove for his family from an early age. In order to make ends meet, he had to make money in whatever way he could, including selling newspapers and shoveling sidewalks. One can only assume that working at such an early age instilled him with a great work ethic, and the drive necessary to achieve his own financial independence.

Lenore was a farm girl, and still has the green thumb to prove it. Over the years I have heard many great stories about Grandma’s days on the farm, but I think my favorite is the story about when she took the truck for a spin with her sister Jeanette when grandma wasn’t yet a teenager.

When the time came, Norb served our country and defended the free world in the Second World War. He was stationed in the Pacific and had one of the most dangerous positions in the entire Air Force. Fortunately, he survived without a scratch and made it back stateside a true hero, armed with an arsenal of ambition and some great bedtime stories for his grandchildren.

Upon arrival back to the states, Grandpa enrolled in college at the University of Minnesota, where he played baseball while completing his college degree. It was through baseball that Norb fatefully met Lenore, and it was through persistence that Grandma finally let him take her out on a date. After some time of courtship, they were married.

Grandpa sold life insurance and made quite a living for himself. I would go into details of individual deals and the perseverance involved with making it in the life insurance business, but I don’t want to put everyone to sleep. While I have been blessed with the ability to find humor in everyday things, it’s almost impossible to keep a crowd excited when talking about Life Insurance. I’m not a miracle worker here!

However, I do know first hand that Grandpa must have been really good at his profession, because he has a wealth of trophies corresponding to his various achievements.

• Salesman of the year – (13 times).
• President of the Minneapolis Association of Life Underwriters.
• The George Washington Founding Father of Modern Life Insurance Sales Lifetime Achievement Award. (OK, I made that one up)

You name it, and he’s got a trophy for it. During his day, Norb was like the Arnold Palmer of insurance sales (or for the younger crowd, he was the Tiger Woods of his field).

Insurance aside, when you look at his trophy case, you’ll also notice that he was once the Tiger Woods of Minnesota Golf. This guy has more trophies than I can count. There is so much bronze on his shelves that the only thing missing is a bronze statue of Norby himself!

Proving that they are meant to be together, Grandma has amassed herself quite a few trophies as well. In fact, rumor has it that she can beat Grandpa on the links nowadays. Both can shoot their age on the golf course, which I find quite impressive. I would need to be in the Guinness Book of World Records as the world’s oldest man before I could ever accomplish that feat!

But their real trophies are their children, grandchildren and great grand children; all two hundred of us. Well, maybe not 200, but there are quite a few descendants in the room today. That’s what happens when you have 8 children!

Nowadays 8 children is nearly unheard of, but in their time, this was expected. Much credit is due to their strong catholic upbringing as well as the fact that this all took place before the widespread use of contraceptives.

Catholicism also contributed to the naming of their 8 children. Resulting in their children being named after miracles past. Constance, Frances, Richard, Patricia, Theresa, Paul, Robert and Carol. It’s like a who’s who of Sainthood.

Those 8 children yielded 21 grandchildren and 4 great grandchildren, which is a remarkable feat in itself. Even more remarkable is how we have all grown up to be very well adjusted adults. Being among the oldest of the cousins, I had the pleasure of seeing everyone grow up since they were in diapers.

In fact, it’s hard for me to imagine some of you out of diapers (especially you little Zachy).
Grandma and Grandpa are so proud of their grandchildren, always touting our accomplishments to anyone who would lend an ear, and constantly impressing their friends with a seemingly never ending string of A honor roll’s and sports trophies.

I didn’t fully realize the extent of how much they talked about us until I was in the 10th grade. On the first day of school, I found myself sitting in science class with our teacher reading off the roster of students for our class. He read through most of the alphabet without a hitch, and all was going well until he got to the S’s. He took one look at my name, read it out loud and said “Jeff Sauer, hey, I know your grandparents! ”

Awkward!

I had no idea how to react to this. How did this guy know my grandparents? How did he know my first and last name if it wasn’t Koch? Are people going to think I’m a nerd because of this? There goes my shot at winning the high school popularity contest! Being in 10th grade, the last thing that I wanted to be associated with is being the kid whose grandparents knew the teacher. That’s like putting a gigantic “kick me” sign on my back for the rest of the year.

Embarrassment aside, I was also curious as to how the heck this guy would know my name and how he knew Lenorby. It turns out that my teacher, was a waiter at a Chinese restaurant called the Pagoda. My grandparents were regular customers of his for several years (we all know how loyal Lenorby are to Chinese food joints) and had been telling Roger about our achievements ever since we were in elementary school! Knowing grandma and grandpa, I wasn’t surprised at all, but I WAS surprised that he knew who I was given the fact that I have a different last name! Those must have been some in depth conversations at the Pagoda.

As you can see, it is obvious that Grandma and Grandpa love every one of their children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. Over the past 60 years they have instilled this love into everyone around them and they have served as a catalyst for all of our life’s achievements.

Like any long-term relationship, it takes work to keep things running smoothly on a day-to-day basis. I’m not going to lie and say that everything has been good every step along the way, but the good far outweighs the bad, and overall the past 60 years have been great!

I am honored that I was given this opportunity to be the MC of this event. I love my grandparents with all my heart, and they have instilled so many good qualities in me that I am a better person as a result. My fathers’ parents passed away before I was born, so I have only known two grandparents in my life. While nothing can take the place of two sets of grandparents, I feel you did everything you could to make up that gap for me.

Thank you for everything you have done. I love you so much. Happy 60th anniversary.

Love, your little Jeffy.

60th Anniversary Speech is a post from: Jeff Sauer Experience v8.0

• “No big deal – she’s probably not serious and I bet we’ll be back together…. we looked hot together!”
• “WTF??? I didn’t even get to have break up sex?”
  
• “She hasn’t answered my last 10 calls, but if I call her one more time, I think that I’ll finally get through to her. She must have been taking a hot shower for the past 3 hours!”
• “Where the single ladies at?”
• “Time to get Drunk!”
• “I’ll show her… I am going to start a hardcore work out program, drop 10 pounds, get six pack abs and never be happier.”
• “I want her back… I wonder if she has found someone else yet. I wonder if he’s buffer than me… could I beat him up?”
• “Did she really just give me the ‘It’s not you, it’s me’ speech? I invented that speech!!!”
• “I know who will help me through this; N ‘sync! I’m busting out my No Strings Attached CD, and I’m doing it now”
• “Wow – did that just happen? What is wrong with her? I even bought her flowers. ‘Best boyfriend’ my ass!”

Getting Dumped is a post from: Jeff Sauer Experience v8.0

Given the recent struggles of the Minnesota basketball program, it is difficult to look back and remember the success of years past. As we are approaching the 10 year anniversary of the last Gophers basketball team of significance, I would like to take this opportunity to look back on a coaching career filled with many victories, fewer losses, and a scandal that sent a basketball program into the Big Ten basement. Yes, I am going to write about Clem Haskins, the subject of my heterosexual man crush as a teenager.

Before the academic scandal broke out at the U of M, the Gophers spent much of the nineties building a nationally recognized and respected basketball program. Clem Haskins was the mastermind behind building the Gophers program, and he did so by recruiting some of the best basketball players in the state of Minnesota (Sam Jacobson and John Thomas), great players from other states (Quincy Lewis and Voshon Leonard) and ready to contribute junior college transfers (Bobby Jackson).

His teams always made the NCAA tournament, and one of them even made it to the final four. Watching a winning team at the University of Minnesota inspired many young kids to play basketball and many of them even dreamed of playing at the University of Minnesota. Kids from all over Minnesota and surround states flocked every summer to attend the Clem Haskins basketball camp, each excited to show off their basketball skills in front of the beloved coach of our local team. I’m not sure if I fit that profile while growing up, but I know one thing; I enjoyed myself both times that I had the opportunity to attend his camp.

Attending basketball camp during my youth was a great experience. There is probably nothing that I would rather have done while growing up. Where else can a kid experience living in the college dorms, eating dorm food with no parents to tell you what to eat (I had an ice cream cone with every meal), and play basketball for 8 hours a day! I had such fond memories of my time at basketball camp that I ultimately chose to attend college at the University of St. Thomas; the host of Clem Haskins basketball camp.

Everything about attending the Clem Haskins camp was surreal, and the experience was priceless. The only negative aspect of the camp was really something that was beyond control; the fact that we were required to play many of our games as “Shirts vs. Skins”.

You see, I was a VERY skinny kid all the way through 4th grade. Then I discovered Mountain Dew, Nacho Cheesier Doritos and a love for food. As a result, I spent most of my teenage years (and even adulthood) concerned about how I looked shirtless. It wasn’t a pretty sight! Let’s just say that I definitely had a nice “Mountain Dew Belly” and a budding pair of “boy boobs”. Playing shirtless was not a fun experience for me, especially given the cruelty of most teenage boys toward those who were different.

However, I soon learned that if you could play basketball well, the other kids would often look past your physical differences. All you needed to do was put the ball in the hoop and nobody would make fun of you. Fortunately, I was a good player at the time, and did well for myself on the basketball court at the camp. In fact, my teammates always enjoyed playing with me, because I was a team player, and I got a lot of opportunities to impress the coaches at the camp. I even had the opportunity to impress my hero, Clem Haskins.

It is not easy to impress Clem Haskins at his camp. This is not due to his quest for perfection in his pupils, but rather because Clem Haskins was NEVER AT THE CAMP! During a 4 day camp, we saw Clem for a total of about 15 minutes. 5 minutes when we arrive at the camp (and parents are able to see Clem in person), 5 minutes while we’re playing basketball during camp, and 5 minutes when the camp has a “graduation ceremony” for the players (another opportunity for face time with the parents).

So, during the course of a 4 day basketball camp, we only had a total of 5 minutes to impress Clem. I made the most of this time, and during a stroke of wonderful basketball playing, and dumb luck, I caught Clem’s attention. Shirtless and with complete disregard for my personal safety, I dove after a loose ball that was heading out of bounds. I got to the ball just before it crossed the line, and while I was still on the ground, I passed the ball to a teammate for an easy basket. I started to pick myself up to go down the court when I noticed that I was sitting at the feet of my hero Clem Haskins. I looked up at him with puppy dog eyes wondering whether I impressed him and he said to me “good hustle kid”!!

I impressed Clem Haskins! My head immediately started racing; “Maybe he’ll give me a scholarship!” “Maybe I’ll get an award for ‘camper of the year’!” Then I realized that I was an overweight white kid who was 6’2” and could only play the center position. It took me a while to realize that there aren’t any 6’2” centers in Division I basketball. Heck, there aren’t any 6’2” centers in Division III basketball!

After camp finished, and my hopes of being a future Gopher were dashed, I started to sit back and watch the Gophers even more closely than prior to camp. I watched nearly every game on television, and even followed their recruiting patterns to see who the University was recruiting.

In 1997, the Gophers had a great season, and were seeded #1 in the NCAA tournament. They were so good that they made it to the Final Four, ultimately losing to Kentucky in what I remember as the greatest Final Four in college basketball history (my favorite team, Arizona, ended up winning the championship and my other favorite at the time, North Carolina made the Final Four as well).

Not too long after they made the Final Four, an academic scandal broke out, implicating the basketball program of severe wrongdoing. An academic aide for the Gophers basketball team named Jan Ganglehoff came forward and announced that she had helped former and current basketball players cheat on their schoolwork. Several of the best Gophers players were implicated in the scandal, and many of them lost their scholarships.

They even showed the papers written by Ganglehoff on the news. One of the papers she wrote was for a player named Courtney James, and it was entitled “Malcolm X and Martin Luther King: Same or different?” I distinctly remember this paper title for several reasons. First, I have always wondered why if someone smart is writing a paper for someone who is not very smart; wouldn’t they make the title grammatically correct? I also thought it was hilarious that a middle aged white woman wrote a paper comparing Malcolm X and MLK. That’s almost like me being the webmaster for a site about Historically Black Colleges and Universities. Oh, wait, I am .

As a result of the scandal, the Gophers were forced to remove their 1997 Final Four Banner from Williams Arena. Also, any record books referencing the Gophers 1996-1997 season were forced to be deleted, and all of their games were forfeited retroactively. Last, my boyhood hero, Clem Haskins, was fired.

The Minnesota Golden Gophers basketball team hasn’t been the same for me ever since. Say what you will about Clem Haskins and his tenure with the Gophers. Whether you agree or disagree with his recruiting tactics, his lax academic policies and the way his decisions left the Gophers basketball program in shambles, I think you can agree on one thing; his Gophers teams were a pleasure to watch!

I miss Clem Haskins.

Why I miss the Clem Haskins era at the University of Minnesota is a post from: Jeff Sauer Experience v8.0

For those of you who don’t know Molly, she’s a good friend of mine from college who came to the Twin Cities from Chicago and ended up moving back to Chicago after college. She’s a really smart and fun girl, and I’ve spent many a good time hanging out and partying with her both during and after the college experience. In addition to being smart and fun, Molly is also a little crazy. Not crazy in a “burning down her ex-boyfriend’s apartment complex” type of way, but rather “this girl is so much fun that it’s crazy”.

Molly would call me a “gaytard” if I wrote a story about her and acted all sappy, so I’m going to get sentimental in another way, by posting a list of my top 3 Molly Walsh stories.

When I was a senior in college, I found myself dateless to my cousin Dave’s wedding. Rather than go solo, I decided to bring Molly Walsh. This may or may not have been a good decision.

It was good in the fact that I didn’t have to fly solo to yet another wedding (I don’t have a good track record of having a significant other at the time of weddings), and I had a fun person to attend the wedding with; someone who likes to drink, dance, and have a good time.

It may have been a bad decision because of something Molly said around my impressionable 14 year old cousin, Nick. My cousin Nick is like the little brother that I never had. He’s a lot of fun to be around, and he doesn’t care when I pick on him (I never had a younger brother or someone to pick on growing up, so he fills that void). Nick also looks up to me, so I obviously don’t like to embarrass myself around him. You know, that “I have to set a good example” bullshit.

That’s why I’m lucky that there were no long term effects from when my date to the wedding (Molly) called me a “gaytard” right in front of him.

I’m not sure what we were talking about, or what the background was behind her calling me such a hilarious name (seriously, gaytard is genius. It’s calling me both a homosexual and a retarded person… it’s two insults into one, a nearly crippling insult to recover from), but I do remember Nick’s reaction.

He thought it was the funniest thing he has ever heard in his life! He repeated it every 5 minutes, and told me that he was going to call me that for the rest of my life! Naturally, I told him I’d kick his ass if he called me that again, but he saw through my idle threats and called me a gaytard for what seemed like an eternity!

Simple exchanges like “Hey nick, get me a beer” (Nick and I have an arrangement where he is required to get me a beer every time I ask him), became complicated with him saying “no, gaytard” or even “sure, gaytard”.

The night couldn’t end soon enough! Even worse than that, the long-term implications of the nickname seemed to be even worse. There was the potential that my little cousin would be calling me a gaytard for the rest of my life, thus shifting the balance of our big cousin/little cousin friendship.

Luckily, Nick forgot about the entire gaytard incident the next time I saw him, and the power balance was restored in my favor.

While I was visiting Molly in Chicago last year, we went out partying and she showed me around the town (well, around the Lincoln Park and Wrigleyville areas). We had a great time drinking, dancing and staying out late (some bars are open til 4 AM in Chicago). When we got done with the bar, we all wandered back to her place to go to sleep, presumably in a bed or on a couch.

I guess Molly had a different idea.

I was visiting Chicago with Bill, and we were both staying on the couch at Molly’s place. Before we went to bed, we both decided to brush our teeth and that other stuff. His stuff was located in Molly’s downstairs bathroom, which was open, so he was able to go in, do his thing, and go to sleep. My stuff was located in the upstairs bathroom, so I presumed that I’d be able to do the same thing.

It wasn’t that easy. Some jerk was in the bathroom for like 25 minutes! I had to pee really badly, and after drinking all night, I was short on patience. Still, I sat outside the bathroom waiting, hoping the door would open shortly. It never opened!

Finally, I decided that I couldn’t wait any longer, and I knocked on the door. No response.

Knock again. No response.

So I decided to open the door and see what was going on.

To my delight (or dismay), there was Molly Walsh, with her pants around her ankles, sleeping on the toilet!

Well, I’m not sure if she was actually “sleeping”, it was more like she was passed out.

So, being the good friend that I am, I woke her up and told her to go to her real bed.

Too bad I didn’t have my camera, though, because that would have been a GREAT photo-op!

When we were seniors in college, I had a party at my apartment near the Mississippi river in St. Paul to celebrate the “Spring Fling” dance that was to be held later that evening. It was a great party! We had about 20-30 people over drinking beer from a keg, playing Frisbee, socializing, grilling and having a great time. The weather was perfect; around 75-80 degrees and sunny.

All in all, it was a great day, but I wouldn’t go as far as saying it was the best day of my life. No, the “best day of my life” declaration was reserved for Molly, who would make that statement later in the afternoon… and it’s how she got there that makes this my #1 Molly Walsh story.

As I described before, the day was beautiful. In addition to the beautiful day, many of our best friends were gathered in one place, and there were copious amounts of beer involved. Maybe it was the sun, or maybe it was the beer, or maybe it was just the feeling of culmination stemming from this being our senior year in college, but the moment seemed to bring Molly to the point of tears.

At some point in time, in between the beer, the sun, the Cheddarwursts and Frisbee, Molly got very emotional. Emotional to the point where she started crying. Naturally, the rest of the partygoers became concerned, as there was no reason for tears at this momentous occasion. I asked Molly what was wrong, and she responded “I’m just having such a good time! this is just… THIS IS THE GREATEST DAY OF MY LIFE”.

No, Molly’s tears weren’t of pain or heartbreak. They weren’t tears of fear or remorse. They were tears of joy, and they were symbolic of the best day of her life.

Molly passed out a few minutes later.

So long Molly Walsh is a post from: Jeff Sauer Experience v8.0