60th Anniversary Speech

My Grandparents have been married for 60 Years, and this past Sunday my Grandpa was asked to MC/Speak at the party. The speech went over very well. Everyone laughed when I had hoped they would (and sometimes when I didn’t expect it) and I got a little emotional at the end… and from what I hear, there weren’t many dry eyes in the audience. Thought I’d post it on here in case anyone wanted to read about my awesome grandparents.

Hello, my name is Jeff Sauer, Grandson of Norb and Lenore, and welcome to our celebration of 60 years of marriage between Lenore and Norby, or as we affectionately call them; Lenorby.

I will be your master of ceremonies for this event, and I hope that you’ll soon find that you are in good hands. Grandpa chose me to host this event because he says I remind him of a young Bob Hope.

I have no idea what that means, but I am taking it as a compliment.

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Getting Dumped

Here are some general emotions that everyone goes through in their mind when they first learn of their breakup.

  • “No big deal – she’s probably not serious and I bet we’ll be back together…. we looked hot together!”flava_brigitte.jpg
  • “WTF??? I didn’t even get to have break up sex?”break_up_wideweb__470x306_0.jpg
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Why I miss the Clem Haskins era at the University of Minnesota

I recently posted this on the Gopher Sports Blog

Given the recent struggles of the Minnesota basketball program, it is difficult to look back and remember the success of years past. As we are approaching the 10 year anniversary of the last Gophers basketball team of significance, I would like to take this opportunity to look back on a coaching career filled with many victories, fewer losses, and a scandal that sent a basketball program into the Big Ten basement. Yes, I am going to write about Clem Haskins, the subject of my heterosexual man crush as a teenager.

Before the academic scandal broke out at the U of M, the Gophers spent much of the nineties building a nationally recognized and respected basketball program. Clem Haskins was the mastermind behind building the Gophers program, and he did so by recruiting some of the best basketball players in the state of Minnesota (Sam Jacobson and John Thomas), great players from other states (Quincy Lewis and Voshon Leonard) and ready to contribute junior college transfers (Bobby Jackson).

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So long Molly Walsh

Within the next few days, my friend Molly Walsh will be leaving to go to medical school on an island called Dominica. She will be gone from the US for a long time, and I’m not sure when I’ll see her next. There was a going away party for her in Chicago last weekend, but I was unable to attend. So, I’m going to send Molly off in the only way I really know how: I am going to write about her.

For those of you who don’t know Molly, she’s a good friend of mine from college who came to the Twin Cities from Chicago and ended up moving back to Chicago after college. She’s a really smart and fun girl, and I’ve spent many a good time hanging out and partying with her both during and after the college experience. In addition to being smart and fun, Molly is also a little crazy. Not crazy in a “burning down her ex-boyfriend’s apartment complex” type of way, but rather “this girl is so much fun that it’s crazy”.

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Brief Nudity

Brief Nudity (BN). Noun.

Definition:

  • The story of my young adulthood; two words responsible for hours of absent-minded movie watching.
  • The sun shining through the clouds on an otherwise cloudy TV day.
  • Often the only redeeming quality of a low-budget “B movie”.
  • The real reason why people subscribe to HBO.

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Poor Timing

I was almost fired 10 minutes ago.

Let me preface this story by saying that I am working on a retainer for a small marketing company with 4 employees. They are great guys, and I get along with them really well. One of the employees is my good friend Brandon, and he’s the one who helped me find this employment.

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Striking Out at Super Target

Freshly showered, it’s time to pick out my wardrobe. I put on my finest polo shirt and my tightest jeans. Pomade in the hair, extra squirt of cologne and I’m looking good. I give myself a final once over and I’m ready to go.

There’s no doubt in my mind that tonight I’ll be breaking some hearts. I’m about to embark on my bi-weekly pilgrimage to the single woman Mecca. I’m going to the store that combines women’s two most favorite tasks; shopping for groceries and toiletries. Yes, I’m going to Super Target, and I’m not leaving without getting me some digits.

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The Turkey is Arbitrary

Does turkey really have anything to do with the success of Thanksgiving?

My vote is no. In fact, I find the entire turkey component of Thanksgiving to be completely arbitrary.

In it’s original form, Thanksgiving was held by Pilgrims to celebrate a bountiful harvest. A celebration of gathered vegetables; turkey may or may not have been present. Thanksgiving has since evolved into one of the most underrated holidays around. It is filled with food, family, and football, and the only expectation people carry with the holiday is that they eat as much as they possibly can. It’s a symbol of a 4-day weekend of freedom. A time to tie up loose ends, and for family to be together. All in all, it’s a pretty swell occasion.

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Printers Suck

From Wikipedia:

Moore’s law is the empirical observation that at our rate of technological development, the complexity of an integrated circuit, with respect to minimum component cost will double in about 24 months.

This is something I learned in computer science classes, and always fascinated me. Basically, you can count on the speed of computer processors doubling every 18-24 months, and the associated production costs being reduced dramatically. So, you, the end user can count on the power of your computer being doubled every 18 months. This is why I always recommend that people get new computers after 2-3 years (those of you with 5 year old computers and say ‘it works just fine for what I do’ are morons and don’t ever call me with a computer question again. EVER!), as well as why you can get computers nowadays for dirt cheap!

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Letter I sent to Fox 9 news

I watched a news story last night on Fox 9 news, exposing underage drinking on the Gophers hockey team. It was so friggin stupid. I decided to write something to them, but I figured they were already getting a lot of hate mail. So, I decided to use a “kill them with kindness” approach. Here is what I came up with:

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